YWalls
Feeling rather...dreamy...
I got back home on Monday and I actually have an MC till the 12th of March, which is, like, last day of term! So if I wanted I could stay at home for 3 weeks, but I really don't think that's possible. "You could, you know," Mum told me.
"You're not supposed to be teaching me this," I laughed.
Had a pretty nice morning. I got my stitches taken out today and then I went to Carrefour with Mum to buy groceries. Mama's been bugging us about buying fish because according to her, it's good for someone to eat fish after something like this. Mum and I hate fish. (Most fish. But we love unagi and fish & chips.)
I'm going back to school on Friday, I think. So today's the second last day of my holiday. I sort of like staying at home and not doing anything. I don't feel like studying today. I feel so lazy, and it's such a sunshiney, blustery day (like in Winnie The Pooh)... And, oh my gosh, I've been online for 2 hours so I must make this quick.
I didn't think I had much to say but once I started writing things popped into my head.
I have slowly gotten myself caught up in this O'Levels pressure-cooker thingie. I didn't realise it until I was talking on the phone last night. I don't think the conversation had anything to do with it, but we were talking about JCs and O's and stuff and suddenly something in my head just clicked and I recalled a post a few months back about studying for God and giving Him the glory and I realised that in these past weeks/months, with everything just rushing at me and me running around like a headless chicken (I've been using that phrase a lot), I've completely lost the plot when it comes to studies!
I want my 6 points. Duh, I want my 6 points. And it's time to surrender that to God and let Him work. I'm so scared He'll pull a trick on me but like Dan said, God won't pull a trick on us because He loves us. At that time it may seem like He's pulling a trick on us but He really wants the best for us.
It's more my attitude that I need to surrender. I think I need to sit down and thrash it out with God.
Second point is just a side point, something that came out of talking to Chang today. About emotions, and about how I don't display my emotions very often (all right, Zhen, you can laugh at me but you know it's true when I'm in uncomfortable situations).
I remember being in a really bad mood one morning and walking out to the concourse to stand with Gerry and the rest and being all ice-maiden-ish. And the thing was, I sort of liked it, being cold and pretending that I was this scary sec 4 (okay, probably no one noticed except me, lah), but it's really not very good because it scares people away. And that's not nice. It's something I have to change, putting up this wall of no emotion (or this bad-mood-thingie).
"Why don't you tear down the wall?" Chang asked me.
I guess it takes time. I remember the first time I came down to help out during worship practice as 2 i/c. I was out of my comfort zone, and so I got really depressed and bitchy and I was so horrible to Dan when he tried to talk to me! (He told me I owned him then, but I guess that's not the point)
Compare this to Clare's first worship practice. When she walked in we thought she was lost or something. But after she introduced herself we started talking to her and she smiled and was so nice even though she was probably feeling a little lost and unfamiliar with the people, too.
But she's an extrovert, and I'm an introvert.
It takes time, and effort on my part, I suppose. I'm still sort of scared of expressing myself and my opinions in front of unfamiliar people but it's something I'm going to have to get used to, I suppose. This wall is slowly being torn down as I ease myself into the various communities.
jac was here with you
3/03/2004 02:54:00 pm