beautiful disaster

I'm not sure if this is what everyone means by being burnt out but I'm tired. Not just tired; exhausted from the holidays, the weekend, church.

It's fun being around people; I don't deny that. Even though I'm really quiet and I don't contribute much to the conversation, Michelle was right: just because I'm an introvert doesn't mean I don't like being around people. In fact, it might be that because I'm an introvert I like having people around. Or something.

But sometimes it gets too distracting and sometimes when I think I need to pull back I don't and I end up getting tired and disillusioned...

Gets to the point where I'm looking forward to the weekend but when it's actually the weekend everything zooms by so quickly and by the time it's over it's almost Monday and I'm exhausted and nothing turned out the way it was supposed to be.

I guess...I guess I'm tired of carrying the burdens I'm carrying. I guess I'm sick of not being able to surrender to Him. Not totally, you know? Disappointed with myself for getting distracted, not doing what I was supposed to do. Tired of...tired of...not being able to let Him take everything away.

Which is stupid, you know? I'm so stubborn. I know He'll take these bags I'm carrying away from me if I just tell Him. But I can't bring myself to let go. Not yet. Like that story of the monkey sticking his hand into the jar to grab some sweets and not being able to get his hand out because he wouldn't let go of the sweets. When everything could just be poured out for him.

But hello, new week. Hello school. Hello people. Hello.

(p.s. if you really can't understand what I'm saying because of my convoluted sentence structure, please ask me. okay? believe it or not, if you catch me in the right mood, I like to talk. :) )

jac was here with you 1/25/2004 04:56:00 pm

My Destiny
Psalm 46 (NASB)
God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change
And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;
Though its waters roar and foam,
Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.

There is river whose streams make glad the city of God,
The holy dwelling places of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
The nations made an uproar, the kingdoms tottered;
He raised His voice, the earth melted.
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.

Come, behold the works of the Lord,
Who has wrought desolations in the earth.
He makes wars to cease to the end of the earth;
He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two;
He burns the chariots with fire.
"Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.