YReminiscing
At least my insomnia had some use. I spent about two-and-a-half hours searching the net for a new template and i've got one :) It's very pretty. From 1greeneye.
It seems like today's the very first free day ('free day' meaning that I don't have to go anywhere in the afternoon. That i have time on my hands to do whatever I want) I've had in a very long time. I'm relishing the time I am spending on the computer and the time I have to do up everyone's presents and cards. It's a nice, relaxing feeling.
I read through my journals last night when I couldn't sleep. Actually, I was looking through some stuff Daniel'd sent me about the prayer & planning retreat two weeks from now and he asked us question: Have you grown in Christ over the past year? What experiences have contributed to this growth? I couldn't quite remember, so I took out my journals and looked through it.
And I'm actually quite amazed at how I've changed. I mean, if you compare my current journal and my previous journal (circa Jan '03), they're pretty different. The things I write about are different. My priorities have changed.
I looked through and realised I didn't change very much in the first half of the year. I was going through this depressive phase because I didn't feel like I could fit in with my class. Most of my close friends were all in a different classes and me being this clingy person (I was clingy!), I was afraid I'd drift from them. And I did.
I don't really know the turning point for sure, but I think it was when God slowly started removing me from dance. The whole dance president thing. It made me open up. Because up until then I'd been hurt and I'd told myself I'd never open up to anyone because I didn't see the point. I think that was when I started talking--to Mum, to Shirin, to Gilly. It's funny, because while it taught me the only person I could rely on was God, it also made me rely on people. No man is an island. There's a reason why God made Eve.
And then I quit ballet. That was a huge step for me, because I know I'll always love to dance. You might think this is a ridiculous reason, but I quit ballet because I believe God wanted me to. It's as simple as that.
I think the period of trying to decide if I should was the worst time I've ever had in my life. Michelle says the times when we feel we are far from God and when we are seeking him are, in retrospect, the times when we were closer to Him. I'm not sure about that in this instance, but I remember it was after exams, and we were going through papers. Everyone was pretty happy, but I remember coming home every day and crying out, "Why? Are you sure?"
And then I remember the day I made the decision and called up the YMCA and told them I was quitting. The next day I came back from school and realised I didn't have to think about it anymore because I'd already decided.
But it's so hard, and lately I've pleaded with Him to let me take it up again. And then Justin reminded me about Abraham and Isaac--Isaac wasn't bad, but God still asked Abraham to sacrifice him to prove that he put God in first priority. Isaac, through whom Abraham was supposed to have descendants as numerous as the stars! And just when Abraham was about to sacrifice Isaac God gave him a ram (or sheep or something) in Isaac's place. Just when Abraham had committed himself to killing Isaac, God stopped him.
And so it is with me. Even though I've quit ballet for about one and a half months, to me it is still very much alive. I'm still hoping that it'll come back. But maybe God has greater plans. He sees it in a perfect way and unless I can stop seeing ballet in the way I do now, I will never be able to see it His way.
The Christian faith is full of paradoxes and ironies. In order for Isaac to live, Abraham had to be committed to killing him. In the same way, in order to get dance back, I must destroy it.
I don't know if I'll ever get dance back. But I know that I've got to admit that it's gone right now. And this is my way of doing it. I thought I could keep it a secret and let everyone just believe that I'm still dancing but that was wrong. Since sec 1 everyone has known me as a dancer. Now I'm not. I'm a person, I'm God's child.
As I was looking through my journals last night, I realised how often I talked about dance. And then I realised that quitting dance has freed me to concentrate on other things, namely God.
jac was here with you
12/19/2003 04:23:00 pm