YParalysed
I'm terrible at making decisions. It's not the decisions I make, it's actually what happens after the decision--I worry about it. Because I'm afraid that every decision I make could be wrong and could backfire and screw up my life forever.
It's funny how it's paralysed me. I think even the question on what I should eat for lunch would stump me, because I could have the cheaper meal, or the nicer-looking meal, or the more unusual, rare meal. And it would make a difference!
So what happens when I have to make bigger, more impacting decisions, like if I should drop Bio or if I should admit to my friend that I interfered when she explicitly told me not to or if I should be a GL? I don't do anything, and it eats away at me because not dropping Bio or not telling or not being a GL, that's a decision in itself that I made. It's the safe decision, but not necessarily the best one.
I tried to listen to God and see what He had to say, but I still don't know if what I heard was my own common sense or my conscience (the one that works overtime) and, hold on, is my conscience reflective of the Holy Spirit? And even then, what if I still make the wrong decision and everything blows up in my face?
I'm slowly coming to realise that "GOD IS NOT SADISTIC!" (As Gilly shouted tonight) Because He's not. And He's not going to have a set of right answers and wrong answers, and if we choose the wrong answer, we're doomed for life. It's not like a maze where, if you choose the wrong path you're probably going to end up at a dead end. Not like a maze where you get to start again.
This is what I learned today: If we truly love Him, He has a plan for us, one full of hope. If we make a wrong decision, He will guide us back to the right path. And if He doesn't seem to be answering, maybe He just wants you to learn that you shouldn't be scared of making decisions!
And that's why the verse of the moment is Jeremiah 29:11-14a. Because He holds everything in the palm of His hand, and because of His grace and love, He will never fail to lead us back to the straight an narrow if we truly seek Him.
It's no coincidence that the song of the moment is Worlds Apart, by Jars of Clay, either. That song speaks volumes to me because it reflects how conflicted I feel, torn between the world's way and God's way, when I know His way is the true way.
And more than that. When the world tells me all I need is self-esteem, and belief in oneself to succeed, God tells me to be still, know He is God. He defines success in another way. Nothing on the earth that I will ever have will truly be mine. All that I claim to be mine, all the positions I hold, all the gifts I have, God could take them away at any moment. It is by no accident that He gave me these, because He has a plan.
He's slowly trying to get me to realise all of this, so that ultimately when He asks, "Who are you going to choose, the world, or Me?" I will be able to answer truthfully, with all my heart, "You, Father. Let me rest in Your arms forever."
jac was here with you
11/15/2003 01:18:00 am