beautiful disaster

Once in a while, after a long, long while, you feel as if there's a certain rhythm to things. Things seem to bounce along nicely; you feel that you could take on anything. It feels good. You're comfortable doing whatever you're doing, and you're happy that things turn out as planned--sometimes even better.

Once in a while, you trip over something. It's usually a small something that is actually of no consquence but you stumble and you bite the dust and suddenly, you realise you're not so perfect, or invincible anymore. That you're actually weak and stupid.

That something happened yesterday, and I only realised this today. It wasn't much; I was just pushed out of my comfort zone. But it bothered me and clung (clinged?) to me and made me feel like a failure.

The thing is, I'm just this small person and I can't do much. I thought I could but I can't. When troubles came I wanted to wade through them on my own strength but at the end of the day I realised my own strength is limited. I couldn't do it on my own.

I'm sorry I didn't cling to You the way I should have. I'm sorry I thought I was strong enough and pushed You aside. I didn't realise it then but I do now and I know that it'll take a while before my faith grows. It'll take a while before I can fix my eyes on You and You alone, ignoring everything else.

I guess now the only thing I can do is shoulder on and face the world.

jac was here with you 10/26/2003 11:20:00 am

My Destiny
Psalm 46 (NASB)
God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change
And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;
Though its waters roar and foam,
Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.

There is river whose streams make glad the city of God,
The holy dwelling places of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
The nations made an uproar, the kingdoms tottered;
He raised His voice, the earth melted.
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.

Come, behold the works of the Lord,
Who has wrought desolations in the earth.
He makes wars to cease to the end of the earth;
He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two;
He burns the chariots with fire.
"Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.