beautiful disaster

There was a consequence, by the way, and it just hit me today.

Aaanyway...

This past week God seems to be distant and it's really confusing. I don't think it's Him that's being distant; it's me. And i know why I'm drawing away from him. It's so funny, because while I want to draw closer and closer to Him, I also involuntarily (it seems) distance myself from Him.

It has to do with my needing to know for sure that it's real, and here comes another weird state of mind I have. I know He is real, but yet, I don't, and I need evidence to prove that He is real. Concrete evidence which does not involve anything to do with me, but with...His creation...

Y'know, something like a discovery that there really was a flood or an ark or something.

But you know, if there were evidence of His being real, evidence so concrete it cannot be denied, the whole world would believe in Him. That not true. Even if Jesus came and punched us all in the face, there would be some who wouldn't believe, because they just make up their mind to refuse to believe.

The thing is, I'm going to have to have faith that He is real. It is through faith that we are saved, not anything else. (I know i'm interpreting that verse a little differently.) I guess God made the Bible the way it is so that it would be historically accurate and yet historically incomplete, so that we are forced to operate on faith.

And so I'm balancing between having faith and needing evidence. I don't think I will ever let go of Him, though. Maybe that says something: deep inside my heart, I know He is real.

P.S. I have been faithfully reading my Chinese book. This is the part where you clap. :)

jac was here with you 11/28/2003 04:03:00 pm

My Destiny
Psalm 46 (NASB)
God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change
And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;
Though its waters roar and foam,
Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.

There is river whose streams make glad the city of God,
The holy dwelling places of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
The nations made an uproar, the kingdoms tottered;
He raised His voice, the earth melted.
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.

Come, behold the works of the Lord,
Who has wrought desolations in the earth.
He makes wars to cease to the end of the earth;
He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two;
He burns the chariots with fire.
"Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.