YPost-Camp Thoughts
I have survived Sarimbun! Icky toilets and late nights and early mornings and pools of death/slides of doom and all...
I don't really know what to say. I can say that I am pretty messed up about everything. Not just about God, everything in general.
All right, everything ties back to God.
I've been realising that all these things (problems?) I have, they would all go away if I just let go of God and if I just forget about doing what was right in His eyes.
You know what, I don't think I found God during camp. Not that that was a bad thing. I learnt a lot during camp and I realised how proud I am. I thought I'd conquered that already but it came back. It went away with the dance president-ship but it came back with new responsibilities and I guess it's always like that. Once i have something I feel like I have to prove I'm indispensible and that's when all the trouble starts.
Proud because I'm (usually) always right, proud because I hold a certain post, proud because I can do this...rebuking others because of pride and not out of love. I was guilty of that this evening during carolling practice. Sometimes I wonder if I can ever do right. Oh, hold on. I can't. At least, not without God.
I didn't get any concrete evidence from God, but I did get faith, and that's why I'm starting again. I'm trusting in Him and trying to listen to Him. During camp I tried to seek Him but I realised that I couldn't do that if I didn't believe He exists (Hebrews 11:6). So now I do.
Melvin/Justin was right: this camp was less emotional than the others. Okay, I've only been to one other camp but this one was very different. It seemed like everything I did was rational, and not based on God's prompting. In fact, half the time I didn't feel His prompting. I knew how wonderful He was, and I felt so grateful towards Him, but apart from an electric shiver down my spine (which I never thought of until Joey mentioned), nothing.
I was hurt that God didn't touch me when He seemed to be touching everyone else. I still don't understand. Dan says that I'm growing and maybe I'm learning to experience Him in a different way. I don't know. Right not I'm not experiencing Him at all. No, that's not true. I talk to Him, and I see Him in other people's lives but I yearn for something deeper, more intimate. I yearn to hear Him like Samuel did. I want to be so close to Him that when I sin, I will feel remorse as deep as David's in Psalm 51. I can't even give up something properly; it keeps coming back to haunt me!
Kah Yoke asked me about tongues the other day. I checked out some websites on it. Apparently women aren't supposed to speak in tongues, according to one website (i just scanned the contents of 3 websites because right now i'm very sleepy). And not all Christians believe that speaking on tongues exists now. I wonder what my church's stand on it is. I've never actually heard anything about tongues from my church.
It was Chang's birthday yesterday. Happy birthday :) I was thinking, I just might go to AC. Where else would I go?
Oh, yeah: do you guys think I look like an SC girl? So weird. Hands up to those who do. At least it's SC. SC's not a bad school :) Good dancers.
jac was here with you
12/09/2003 01:13:00 am