beautiful disaster

It's 3:40 am on a Monday morning and I am unable to sleep again. I tried, y'know, closing my eyes and not thinking but it doesn't really work, and I'm supposed to go to the library tomorrow to research for my history essay and after that watch Harry Potter with Debbie and Justin, so I'd really like a good night's sleep, but I don't think I could get one if I tried so here I am, not trying.

It's frustrating. I have all these plans and a horrible night's sleep could just ruin it all. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and realised I couldn't get back to sleep and it horrified me because Saturday had been such a woozy, slow, sultry day, and my lack of sleep hadn't made things easier. After I finally got back to sleep and was woken up at 8 am for church I was so tired I decided to go for the later service instead.

I wish things were easier to control. It's my dad's genes; he needs the right conditions to get to sleep and stay asleep--sort of like crystal growing, which I suppose is a nice analogy, just that when it comes to sleep you don't really care how pretty or clear or whatever you look, you just want to have enough rest to get off your backside and enjoy the day.

I wonder if God's trying to tell me something by doing this to me. You know, I thought I had all of this relinquishing-control things worked out. So last week was messed up because I was sick and sleepy and woozy. And that got me frustrated, but it's fine, y'know, cos it's only a week. But tomorrow's the only day I'm going to get to work on this essay before I fly off to Sabah, and it would be really nice if I could actually do it awake and fresh and not half dead. It doesn't make the job any easier.

I guess worse comes to worst, I could take the day off, but I have been doing an awful lot of those sort of things lately. The important thing right now, I think, is to seek God and not be sulky if He shifts things around a bit. As much as I hate that.

I'm going to read Everwood transcripts.

jac was here with you 11/21/2005 03:40:00 am

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My Destiny
Psalm 46 (NASB)
God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change
And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;
Though its waters roar and foam,
Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.

There is river whose streams make glad the city of God,
The holy dwelling places of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
The nations made an uproar, the kingdoms tottered;
He raised His voice, the earth melted.
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.

Come, behold the works of the Lord,
Who has wrought desolations in the earth.
He makes wars to cease to the end of the earth;
He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two;
He burns the chariots with fire.
"Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.