YThe Great Conqueror
I've been learning about what it's like to have to depend on God lately and to rejoice in Him. Actually, I think this is what it's going to be like for the rest of my life--learning to depend on Him more and more. But lately it's been more acute, I guess.
I have my humanities scholarship interview tomorrow. That's when they decide if I get $2000 and a remission of my school fees. It's just the money, since I get to remain in the programme regardless of whether I get the scholarship or not. It scares me, though, because I'm afraid of getting embarrassed by the interviewers. I think these interviews aim to look for your weak points and get you into a fix in order to weed out the better candidates. They want to know why you deserve the money.
I've been prepping for ages in my mind--it started about a month ago, just running through possible questions and answers in my head whenever they came to me. But it's the day before and I still don't feel prepared. You see, I'm not really what they want, I think. I'm interested in lit and history and econs, but I'm not passionate about these subjects. And I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I trust that God will eventually reveal that to me, but I can't really tell them that.
To make matters worse, I lost my wallet on Friday evening on the way to cell and only discovered it gone Saturday morning. That resulted in a multitude of phone calls to friends, to the bus company, to the bank (to cancel my ATM card), etc. It wasn't good enough that I didn't have an IC to bring to the interview; now I'd lost my bus card, too, and it didn't help that my mum decided that this incident proved how careless and stubborn I was and started berating me about it. Everything just culminated in this giant wave that was about to swallow me and plunge me underwater.
To little, human me, the interview still seems like this insurmountable obstacle despite all my preparations. I've read the newspapers, thought of what I want to do for the rest of my life (right now, theology and philosophy sounds interesting. Either that or teaching), plan to get my passport and Birth Cert to prove I am who I am and made a mental note to put on my badge tomorrow. I haven't found my wallet and I don't know if I ever will. But the thought that came to my head when I lost it was that it's an opportunity for God to show His faithfulness. This is an opportunity.
We're not called to live this life on our own. God has already conquered everything we fear. I remember hearing someone say that the fact that God is the Alpha and the Omega means that we no longer have a reason to fear because He is in control. He gives us the reason, the power, to rise up above circumstances and to rejoice in Him. Yes, He is the reason we can rejoice.
The period in between Sunday afternoon and Monday morning, when I come home to rest and get ready for school the next day, has always been a pretty depressing time. It's when the darkness and emptiness of the house and the impending darkness of the day meld to bring a darkness and dread that creeps into my mood. Tomorrow I have to study. Tomorrow I have to stand up for my principles. Tomorrow I will have no friends.
Yet, we are called to rejoice above that. We're not called to rejoice because of anything but God. What Gilly told me on Thursday has stuck in my mind since: "Rejoice in the Lord." Things don't have to be fine and dandy for us to rejoice. In fact, the times when things are not fine and dandy are the times when you know that the joy you have truly comes from the Lord. And I'm slowly learning what that joy is.
I can be hopeful because of what He's done: He has conquered all fear. I can rejoice because of who He is: He is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. He is in control.
jac was here with you
4/17/2005 05:18:00 pm
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