beautiful disaster

It's hard to imagine that about five days ago I was estatic about my O'Level results--so thankful, so relieved, so triumphant. It's funny how life works, because the past few days have been days fraught with worry and insecurity.

To tell you the truth, nothing much has happened outside of my mind. I told myself I wouldn't worry for the forty days before Lent (and hopefully after that), but this has been a tough resolution to keep--trusting in God and surrendering my future to Him.

I came to a realisation today. I thought I loved, but I didn't. There's a thin line between acting out of love and acting out of selfish desires and I'd been crossing it without actually knowing it. It's so easy to step over, so easy to forget something you once knew.

I feel...broken. Again. I feel helpless and hopeless and small again. I wish I could lean on God but it's so hard to lean on someone who's invisible. Any control I have over my life I feel is being stripped away or given up and I feel like i'm free falling...

...falling...

Funny, how vulnerable I feel, when this could possibly be the best course of action I can take.

I'm stepping out into a new week, feeling sort of alone, sort of insecure, sort of out of sorts with the rest of the world...but maybe that's how I'm meant to feel right now.

jac was here with you 3/06/2005 08:21:00 pm

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My Destiny
Psalm 46 (NASB)
God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change
And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;
Though its waters roar and foam,
Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.

There is river whose streams make glad the city of God,
The holy dwelling places of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
The nations made an uproar, the kingdoms tottered;
He raised His voice, the earth melted.
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.

Come, behold the works of the Lord,
Who has wrought desolations in the earth.
He makes wars to cease to the end of the earth;
He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two;
He burns the chariots with fire.
"Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.