beautiful disaster

What was I thinking, posting such a horrible poem? I apologise.

I know I haven't been blogging for a while. I guess it's due partly because I've been pretty busy and partly because I don't have anything to say. No, correct that. I have plenty of things to say but nothing really constructive and I do try not to make this blog something just full of empty ramblings.

I actually don't have anything planned to say now but in a bid to get the horrendous poem out of the way I shall post something for the heck of it.

A lot of things have happened in the past month or so, and many of them have slowly shaken me and broken me. I don't understand what is happening now--half the time I don't understand why I'm feeling the way I do. I'm pretty sure I know how I feel, though: lonely, insignificant, worthless. I look around me and see everyone else so much better than me and think, if only I were good at something, or were someone special, I wouldn't feel this way.

I know this shouldn't be who I am in Christ, though. Still, it's hard to translate that knowledge into reality. It's hard not to measure myself with every girl I meet. Oh, she's prettier. She's smarter. She's richer. Why aren't I? What have I got that makes me something, someone?

I don't exactly know why God is putting me through this but I'm getting an inkling. It's somewhat dubious at the moment, and I am uncertain, but I think by stripping away anything I can use to cling onto and base my self-worth on, God is forcing me to look to Him. He's telling me, yes, I was worthless and naked and plain and had nothing to show for. But now I have Him, and in Him lies everything I need--worth, hope, love. It enables me to see the extent of His grace and goodness more clearly as forces me to confront my unworthiness.

Humbled.

jac was here with you 2/12/2005 11:07:00 pm

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My Destiny
Psalm 46 (NASB)
God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change
And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;
Though its waters roar and foam,
Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.

There is river whose streams make glad the city of God,
The holy dwelling places of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
The nations made an uproar, the kingdoms tottered;
He raised His voice, the earth melted.
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.

Come, behold the works of the Lord,
Who has wrought desolations in the earth.
He makes wars to cease to the end of the earth;
He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two;
He burns the chariots with fire.
"Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.