YJust Whack
I'm so sorry for the really confusing previous entry. At that point of time I felt so messed up--I don't think my thought process was really working very systematically. I feel better now that I've figured out a system for my note-taking in school (yes, Jac is very strange). I don't blame you for not knowing what on earth was talking about--no, not that. I think you can understand what I'm going through but it's just not very logically written out, and that irks me.
I realised ever since I got into the humanities thingie I've been very conscious about my writing, thinking I've got to make sure I can write properly so everyone will know, wow, Jac can write, but that very carefulness and preciseness in the way I thinking about writing now stifles my writing.
So this is what I'm going to say: I'm not going to care whether I write well or not. As long as I get my point through without confusing you guys, I'm happy. So excuse the bad writing.
Anyway, here's an update on my state of mind.
I realised, after a lot of long talks with various people, that I've been dwelling on my negative thoughts about school. It's funny because I actually enjoy being negative. It's a very comfortable place to be, in the darkness and angst, but it's not very beneficial. In a warped way, it makes me feel better to be able to stress myself out because it's comforting. But I know it's not going to be have any long-term benefits; it'll do me more harm than good because the longer I carry on with these thoughts of hate and dread, the farther people are going to stay away from me because it shows.
I realised God has been holding out this gift of joy to me but all I've been doing is pushing it away because I don't want it. One part of me doesn't want to be joyful because that means I have to leave this nice, comfortable, dark zone I've shut myself in. Yet I know His gifts are always the best gifts, and not taking it would be doing Him a disservice [that looks wrong]. What kind of witness would I be if I weren't joyful? "Oh, there goes Jac, she's a Christian but she's always so sulky and antisocial. Why on earth would I want to be like her?"
I've been thinking and thinking and trying to analyse what I've done and what I should do and sinking deeper and deeper into the hole of despair I've created for myself when in actual fact I know what I'm supposed to do but I don't want to do it. It's so much easier to just sit there and think about what I should be doing instead of actually doing it.
I also realised that sometimes things seem worse than they actually are because of the previous phase one went through. It's like riding this huge wave and experiencing a thrill when suddenly, whoosh! You get wiped out. It's a crummy feeling but it wouldn't have been as crummy if you hadn't been on such a great wave in the first place. In my case, my December holidays were one of the happiest phases of my life. And then January rolled around and school, studies and disorganisation wiped me out. Don't get me wrong; I am very thankful for the December God has blessed me with, and I know I must be thankful for January and what God has given to me this month, too, but if I hadn't been so happy in December I might not have been so miserable once school appeared again.
It's just a process of getting used to things and being joyful.
jac was here with you
1/15/2005 09:32:00 am
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