YThe Open
I never realised how big and unfriendly the world is until I stepped into JC. Having been 'protected' by cute pink-and-white walls for the past 10 years, I got a rude shock once these walls disappeared.
There are times in your life when you have to grow, and often, these times occur when you're out of your comfort zone. This week, I have been unceremoniously plucked out from my small hidey-hole and very rudely dumped out in the open.
It's not very nice.
What is the open? The open is where people meet, but do not know. The open is governed by rules and systems where there is more than meets the eye. The open tries to draw you into its system and tells you unless you become this-and-that, your dreams will die.
People don't see you in the open. People see you, but they don't really see you. They see what you mean to them--just another student to teach, another person to make contact with, another number on the board.
Oh no, it's starting. I'm getting cynical.
I'm scared I'll end up this cynical old maid when I'm all grown up with no place to go. That's the whole point of this entry; it's not about the stupid open (though the open is a part of it). Heck, for all I know the open could be a lot friendlier, just that I haven't seen much of it yet (which is true. I've only been in the open for 6-and-a-half days. Don't ask).
You see, JC life is different. (At least in my JC it is.) You have to do things, and sometimes you don't always want to do them but in order to get that scholarship to go overseas, you have to. No, it's not just that. In order to fit in, in order to have things all fine and dandy for you conformity and following the unspoken rules is necessary.
What I want to know is this: do I have to participate actively in my school life? Do I have to become part of the school? Do I have to be with these people and, I guess, talk to them and brave the uncomfortableness I feel and go out with them in a bid to become better friends with them? Because I don't want to. I recognise I'm going to be spending most of the next two years in this place but I don't want to invest my time here; at least not in these ways. Things are different for me. My place is not in this world of no god. I do not want to have a stake in this world; my heart is somewhere else.
Is that wrong?
And if it is not wrong, how do I follow what I believe I am called to do without seeing how different I am and how different things are without growing bitter and jaded about the world?
Because there's a dichotomy at work over here. God calls us to love the people He has created, but not the world they have created for themselves. And this is what I have to struggle with, because I am called to be the salt of the earth, the light of the world, and love others with God's love. Yet how can I establish a rapport with these people when I cannot be the way they are? I can't gossip, or talk dirty, or pon class just because and hey, I don't want to, but in the process of keeping myself pure I separate myself from them.
I have a small inkling that maybe this separation is the part that makes me the salt and the light of the earth, and in theory things work out but in practice everything is so much more complicated and honestly, all I can do right now is do what I know is right and trust that God makes all things good in His time. I believe a true, trusting relationship with God brings joy and hope, not cynicism and despair, and I believe I can choose to be cynical or joyful about my circumstances. I choose to be joyful.
JC life is what you make of it, they always say, and I subscribe to that belief. But for a moment, somewhere in between those Lit classes and talks about scholarships and CCA points and people whom you have to make friends with, I lost it. I thought I wouldn't be able to control what I would become. I thought I would get sucked into this life of studying and competition and just doing things for points, points, points, and nothing else, and in the process lose everything that is truly dear to me.
jac was here with you
1/13/2005 04:50:00 pm
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