beautiful disaster

It's been a welcome week of rest. It's nice to be able to wake up at 8 or 9 am in the morning instead of the ungodly hour of 6 AM every day and to have the whole day stretched out in front of you, just waiting.

For some strange reason it hasn't been an enjoyable week, though. There have been quite a lot of struggles, which was actually quite unexpected. I guess that just shows that it's not school that's really the problem.

One of the main problems I have is this thing about wanting to create a sort of image for myself. Yeah, I am really concerned about what other people think of me. I want to have a sort of standing in this world; I want others to see me and think, "Oh, that's Jac, she's..."

She's what? I wonder what I even want to be thought of. Nice? Pretty? Dancer-y? Godly? Cool? Smart? Deep?

The problem with me is that I want everything. I want to be all those things, and more. It's called wanting to be perfect, and up until this point of time I guess I have successfully deluded myself into thinking that's actually possible when everyone knows that's not. Cos there's always going to be someone better than you, and you're always going to want more and never be satisfied.

And so what if people think I'm this way or that? What do I get out of it? Bragging rights, haha. It hurts to be broken (yes, we're back at this again). Who should I root my identity in? Christ, yes, but it's so hard when everyone else is doing things the other way and judging you based on how academic or all-rounded or good-looking or talented you are.

I wonder what people who don't believe in God feel like. For one week I went around doubting that there was a God and it was the most horrible week of my life. I may not always base my identity in Christ now but at least I know who my identity should rightfully be in. A life without God means a life with an identity crisis--economies rise and fall, beauty fades (and gets artificial nowadays), and somehow someone who's better than you always comes along. It means you don't really have something you can put your complete trust in and know that it/he/she will never fail you.

I'm lucky in one respect: at least I know whom I can trust to take me through this life (I know to some this sounds rather dogmatic). I've still got a long way to learn how to live life with complete trust in Him, though. It's so easy to get caught up with the thinking of the world. Ah, the lesson of life.

jac was here with you 3/19/2005 02:55:00 pm

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My Destiny
Psalm 46 (NASB)
God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change
And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;
Though its waters roar and foam,
Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.

There is river whose streams make glad the city of God,
The holy dwelling places of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
The nations made an uproar, the kingdoms tottered;
He raised His voice, the earth melted.
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.

Come, behold the works of the Lord,
Who has wrought desolations in the earth.
He makes wars to cease to the end of the earth;
He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two;
He burns the chariots with fire.
"Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.