beautiful disaster

I don't really know how the week went. I mean, I made it a point to be joyful and I was at certain points (I think. I mean, being joyful is sort of had to define so you're never really sure if you're actually joyful or not). I discovered what it meant to praise God with songs and how that helps. It was a good week; I'm glad I'm not scared of asking questions during econs class anymore.

But there's still something missing. I don't know. I was really tired towards the end of the week; there were points of time when I just felt like everything was rushing at me all at once and I couldn't do anything to stop them. Today after church Bryan and Hannah and some of the rest commented I looked tired and I was but then they said I look tired every week and I wonder if that's actually true. I don't want to be tired and I don't think I am tired all the time but maybe every Sunday, for some strange reason, I am.

It's not just the tiredness. I just feel that even though I'm doing what the Bible says and spending time with God and serving, there's something more. There's much more to what I have now and I want it but I don't know how to get it. I feel like I'm not communicating with God and it bugs me because I try and it always seems like I fail. Where is this 'victorious Christian life'? Is that even a reality, or is it just some ideal we've all concocted up? I don't think I would be asking these questions if I were living the 'victorious Christian life' now.

Maybe it's a change of mindset. Maybe (probably) it has nothing to do with the changing of external circumstances and everything to do with changing our internal attitudes. But this is what I always say, isn't it? And something there's still something not quite right.

I came to church today, said hi to a few people, talked to a few people and left and the superficiality of it all hit me the way the truth does after you've been trying your best to ignore it for a while. Superficiality on both our parts because it takes two to tango and there's more to life than little mice. Or is it? Mice probably have better friendships than I do, and it's probably because they're not has timid or tired or boh-chup as I am. Maybe it's more because of me than anything else.

I wish for more, Father. There must be more than this.

jac was here with you 4/10/2005 03:27:00 pm

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My Destiny
Psalm 46 (NASB)
God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change
And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;
Though its waters roar and foam,
Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.

There is river whose streams make glad the city of God,
The holy dwelling places of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
The nations made an uproar, the kingdoms tottered;
He raised His voice, the earth melted.
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.

Come, behold the works of the Lord,
Who has wrought desolations in the earth.
He makes wars to cease to the end of the earth;
He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two;
He burns the chariots with fire.
"Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.