YRattling Bones
You know, despite knowing that unofficially, my exams were over, I walked out of the hall today with a sense of euphoria that wasn't euphoria.
I didn't scream, didn't even laugh, just smiled--once--at Adora as i passed her, and quietly picked up my bag to go. (And it had nothing to do with the fact that we had to keep quiet as we filed out of the hall) I'm trying to figure it out, too. I thought it would be wonderful to get rid of exams but now that everything's almost over it's just weird, not studying and actually having free time. I went to the library to borrow books and I'm reading Leo Tolstoy's Hadji Murat. Normally I speed through books but with this one i'm not even halfway through. Well, no harm taking more time.
Maybe it was good, having exams. Because it became like an excuse. "Oh, I won't do this today because I have exams and I have to study." But now I can't use that phrase anymore and so I suddenly find myself with lots of things to do.
Naturally, I made a list. Nothing like a good list to calm you down, but I find myself procrastinating again.
I'm so contradictory. I hate being restless, with nothing to do. Being busy is part of what makes me me. But then again, I loathe work. Give me a chance and I'll spend the whole day lying around reading. I take shortcuts. I'm so lazy I'd rather stay at home than go out with my friends. Therefore, I will be spending my marking days at home. (But I would like to go out. Just that it takes so much effort...)
About a week ago, something that had been bothering me for a long while was rattling in its cage in that secluded part of my mind it lives in. I let it out and wrote about it to my friend. I read her reply yesterday and it confused me even more.
...Did it?
It was about hearing God's voice. My friend pointed out that the devil could be prompting me to do something instead of God prompting me, but it didn't seem right. She said that if there was any doubt in my mind, it wouldn't be God because we know His voice.
I thought it over and this is my reply. I actually called her up and talked to her about it but I've never been very eloquent with the spoken word. If what I had been 'hearing' was not God, then what had I been 'hearing' all that while? That rattles me and scares me. I believe God is the one who spoke to me and that my doubting was not doubting His voice, but rather a desperate sort of hope that it was not His voice because I didn't like what I was hearing. Does that make sense? Therefore, I am going ahead with it.
Matthew 12:25 - 26: 'Every kindgom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand. If Satan drives out Satan, he is divided against himself. How then can his kingdom stand?' That verse was the clincher for me.
It's funny that I should be prompted to share this. Maybe it's because of my lost journal. I feel helpless; please don't misunderstand me. I guess the thought that someone could be reading my journal right now and forming mistaken impressions of me just scares me.
But it shouldn't, should it?
I don't understand why I have to be so legalistic all the time. It's tearing me down. There has to be a better way.
jac was here with you
10/14/2003 09:00:00 pm