YGiving Him Glory
Saturdays mean marathon study sessions right now and I'm actually pretty amazed I managed to finish studying 3 subjects before 4 pm. I'm not sure whether they all went in my head, though. Sometimes I get these pangs of insecurities, like what happens if i don't do well? I'm not very sure. But one thing that comforts me is that God's got everything under control.
I found the answer to my question, the one about studying. I can't remember when I knew, but I knew. There was one time during recess when I actually went downstairs to the canteen with my friends. It was about a week ago, I think. Anyway, I found myself ranting about the Singapore education system again, with my friends listening patiently to me, as usual. These girls get extra points for tolerance, I tell you.
Cookie was sitting with us that day, and she was listening to me and trying to tell me that was why she didn't study, because what was the point anyway? She asked me if i didn't like the system so much, why did i still conform to it?
The bell ended my tirade and we went upstairs but for some reason my actions disturbed me. Something inside me told me that I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have complained so loudly and extensively. So I thought about it.
And I realised that y'know, glorifying God. I usually think of working towards an end result that would glorify God but maybe that wasn't all. How about the process?
Right then, my process of studying had been studystudystudy, then once in a while launch into a very loud monologue about the education system. Was that glorifying God? No. Maybe God wanted me to accept it as something I couldn't change and just do what I had to do, without any complaints.
The 'maybe' turned into a 'definitely' as I found it the way to survive this period. The only way to get through all of this is to trust God, really. When everything seems way over your head and you honestly don't think you can do all of this on your own, you know what? You don't have to do it on your own, because God's there.
There are still times when, like i said, I feel insecure and scared that I'm not studying enough but most of the time I'm surviving on this surreal sense of security and...joy.
I didn't really realise it until today, when I went online. My friend messaged me, and as we started talking, said, "your mum told me you're a good actor." (My friend talks to my mum online. Complicated story.)
"Huh?" I went. "She's never seen me act."
"No," she replied. "Not in that way. I asked her if you were really studying or something because everyone's so zombie-like and you are like still the same old Jac."
Wow, I thought. I hadn't really realised it. I am looking forward to the exams because the faster the exams get here the faster I'm freed. I'm generally happy, despite having to study. I talk to God a lot. It helps. My faith is still as small as a mustard seed, though. No, even smaller. As small as a stomatal opening on the lower epidermis of the leaf. I'm still a long way from being with God, but it's a small step.
(Oh, by the way, I got full marks for the binomial theorem test. Wow!)
jac was here with you
9/27/2003 04:35:00 pm