YPlans That I Don't Understand
It's been exactly two weeks since i last posted, and a lot has happened.
I'm not dance president. I'm the secretary. I found out the Tuesday after my last post. It was a huge blow to me, and that showed me how much i wanted it. I was really upset because i felt that despite all the work i'd put in during Dance Fest, i'd gotten nothing in return. And what do secretaries do, anyway? sit there and type?
The next day, i found out i hadn't even gotten a colours. That was worse, because before the colours list had come out it was sort of like a hope, you know? Maybe i wasn't suited for the post of president, but surely no one could dispute the amount of time and effort i'd given to dance.
Nothing i'd hoped for happened and i didn't understand what was happening.
In the midst of everything, my friends and my mum supported me. That was the good thing out of all this. I drew closer to my mum. The day i found out i was secretary i told Mum everything and she comforted me. I'd been too focused on what man knew of my achievements and too focused on earthly rewards and i failed to realise--failed to be able to see--that God sees all and He was pleased when i carried out my work for Him.
It was easy knowing that in my head, but knowing my heart was another thing.
The week before had been a terrible week. Ever since that Tuesday i'd cried every day and on Thursday night i went to bed, but soon thoughts of my failure came rushing back into my mind and i started crying. i went outside to Mum, who was at the computer and she put a stop to it all.
"Jac," she said, "When are you going to stop this self-pity? Where are you going with all of this? There is no point in thinking about it and crying every day. You could do something, like ask why you didn't get in, but telling yourself, 'oh, no, i'm so sad; i'm so pitiful,' is not going to help."
Of course i protested, and tried to make her see it wasn't only self-pity, but now that i think of it, a large part of it is. (There wasn't anything wrong with crying because i was sad, but making myself sad so i could cry was another thing.) I wanted people to see how sad i was and tell me how misjudged the teacher had been and how i should have become dance president instead. As if that would make everything better. It didn't, and no one was saying anything to me, and that made it even worse.
Friday was cell, and i told Michelle about it. She told me i had to let go of it, because it wasn't doing anything good. It was easier said than done, but everytime i started thinking about how little appreciation i'd gotten after all the work i'd done i began telling myself, "Let go, Jac, let go." And gradually, i started to.
I made Alicia (the new dance prez) give me all the admin stuff our teacher had given her to do so i wouldn't feel so useless. I think she was pretty relieved because she doesn't like stuff on excel and Word. it made me feel better, besides.
Sunday Gilly and I went for the Hillsongs concert. It was really good and you know, i don't think i would mind spending eternity worshipping God. I didn't want it to end. It helped me let go and just spend time with God. Then somewhere along the line, i must have let go.
I must have let go because i can talk about this now without crying or even feeling angry. I know that God has a far better plan for me, and it will unfold in His time. I know that i shouldn't count on Man and the only being i can truly trust is God. I know i should work for Him alone, because everything i've accumlated in my lifetime on earth will pass away eventually and then what then?
That was one lesson learnt.
(Wait, there's more)
Monday after chapel Miss Bong called me out, along with five other prefects. Initially i was very apprehensive because i had a bad feeling about it. Then she told us that we had been nominated for head prefect and we had to go through an interview on Wednesday to be cleared to campaign.
I did not exactly greet this announcement with joy. In fact that first thing i did was tell God, "God, i don't understand. Why would you let me get nominated when you know i don't have any passion to serve as head prefect?"
God told me to let His plan unravel.
I didn't tell anyone; the six of us were supposed to keep it a secret, but someone told so people knew. My friends didn't, however, and i told no one. i was pretty proud of myself.
Wednesday came. the interview was terrible. The first question they asked me was, "why do you want to be head prefect?"
My first instinct was in answer, "I don't want to be head prefect." But i wasn't that stupid, so i answered all the model answers, with very little enthusiasm. My teacher told me later that they couldn't tell i wasn't enthusiastic about it, though.
Anyway, i didn't get in. I told my mum and for a little while she was disappointed. Actually, all my friends were disappointed becuase they wanted to help me campaign. And a few of them pointed out that possibility that the reason why i had become only secretary was maybe because my teacher knew i was going to be nominated for head, but i doubt that's the reason, and even if it is, it doesn't matter, because i didn't think i was the best suited for the job, anyway.
I realised something, though, about all of these 'failures' and such. i realised that maybe God puts me through them so i'll have empathy and maybe when people experience what i've been through i'll be able to better relate to them because i've been through it myself and maybe i'll be able to let God's love shine through all of this.
jac was here with you
8/24/2003 09:05:00 pm