YRunning Back To You
I came to a powerful realisation today. It's amazing how things can just waltz by you and you can see what's happening without truly realising what it all means. Today was one of those days when everything came clear and I had to run back to God again.
You see, June's been my dance month. Last September, I felt God calling me back to dance and I started taking ballet classes again. This June I've attended two sets of dance workshops and prepared for one concert. I didn't think I'd be busy but I have been, and it's been fun.
Today was the last of the last. It was the Dance Collective conference and concert, a series of workshops put on by a group of Christian dancers. Things had been bubbling up since...since I don't know when. Since I realised next week I'll be returning to school, I guess. School always scares me, even though it's familiar enough to me now.
It had been bubbling up inside me, these feelings of helplessness and dread and reluctance that have become so familiar to me the past six months. It didn't help that somehow I knew I hadn't really been studying properly. Just going through the motions, knowing I was just doing it to get it over and done with in order to go out to play, dance, whatever. It burst out today, while I was dancing. One moment, I'm just dancing to the music, along with everyone else. It was an impromptu thing, everyone was dancing to the beat of drums, worshipping God. Some were just standing there, arms raised. But I wasn't really watching. I was stopping, stilling my body, then slowly falling to the floor, legs crossed, face to the floor. Hot tears flowing out, and all this while I'm thinking, "Why am I crying? I don't even know what I'm crying for!"
I'd already realised I was running away from my studies, using dance as a means of escape, but at that instant that information became more than fact for me. It instilled a renewed desire to please God and seek His will. To run back to Him. You see, I'd been thinking God may be calling me to dance, and He may well be, but in the process I had been using it as an excuse to forsake my studies and not honour God with them. Revising in a slipshot way, procrastinating, when it's obvious that He has called me to be in this school, in this situation, at this point of time. Now. Whether I like it or not.
I asked Daniel if he liked his job yesterday, and he said, "not particularly." I was surprised at that, and asked him why, and he replied, "because it puts me in situations I don't exactly like to be in." The familiarity of that statement struck me.
I'm called to honour God despite my circumstances, whether I like being here or not. Psalm 139: God has created me, He knows me, He hems me in behind and before. When He made me, He threw away the mould. What am I, Father, that You have blessed me with so much? Your goodness astounds me.
I was watching this dance today by a Christian dancer, Ng Kin Wee, that painted the perfect picture of what our relationship with God is like. He was dressed up in a yellow shirt with denim overalls and a yellow cap, like a little child, and danced with the innocence and trust of a little child before his loving father. In the middle of the dance he stands in the centre of the stage, hands folded, stamping his feet to the music while the lyrics go, "I may not understand what You have in store for me"--the way I feel I am like when I'm frustrated and don't know where I'm going. Eventually, however, he ends his dance in a lunge, hands outstretched, fascinated and rejoicing as he reaches out for his invisible Father.
It's always like this. Always not understanding, always struggling, always frustrated, but always running back to Him.
jac was here with you
6/25/2005 09:13:00 pm
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