beautiful disaster

Ronald Susilo lost to the Thai guy. What was it, 15-1, the second set? I didn't watch because a. I was trying to do bio and b. I had this strong sense that we were going to lose and I didn't want to see it.

It got me sort of depressed, though. Why couldn't we have won? It would have been such a memorable Olympics if he'd gotten through to the semis and gotten a medal. You should have heard us during chem (after Mrs. Tan concluded that we needed a break); we were all talking about how he was going to play this afternoon, hoping that maybe, just maybe, he'd beat Thailand and maybe, just maybe, we might finally win something. It didn't hurt to dream big then.

And then as you slowly watch him being crushed by his opponent you can't help but cry out, "please, please, God, couldn't we win this? Couldn't we have a medal? Just this once...It would be so nice to just get one." Slowly as the Thai gains more points you feel hope crashing to the ground...

I wondered, as I lay on my bed, trying to do my bio tys, what the point in trying was when all you do is open yourself up to the prospect of failing. Why give your best when you could fail? Wouldn't it be less painful to not try at all and be satisfied because you never expected anything? Why have goals and dreams and give up things for them when you might never achieve them? I know the feeling of not having accomplished what I wished despite feeling like I gave so much. I can't say, "Oh, y'know, it's okay," because it's not.

And we all know the model answer. "Do everything for God." But you try doing everything for God and see if you can! Humans, we're humans, with selfish desires, supposed to die to them but it takes a while. Oh, yeah.

God gives us dreams, passions, emotions. I don't want to live an emotionless life. I don't want to be able to say, "it's okay," because nothing I do matters to me. I want to be able to say, "It's okay," because...because everything I do does matter but the approval I desire is not yours, or anyone else's besides God's.

jac was here with you 8/18/2004 09:37:00 pm

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My Destiny
Psalm 46 (NASB)
God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change
And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;
Though its waters roar and foam,
Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.

There is river whose streams make glad the city of God,
The holy dwelling places of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
The nations made an uproar, the kingdoms tottered;
He raised His voice, the earth melted.
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.

Come, behold the works of the Lord,
Who has wrought desolations in the earth.
He makes wars to cease to the end of the earth;
He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two;
He burns the chariots with fire.
"Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.