YIt's Been A While
The first week of school has been eventful for me. Things have happened and sometimes I feel like I'm on top of the world while other days I feel like I've spiralled down into the depths of the earth. It's been a bumpy ride.
I guess one of the things I realised as I meandered through my thoughts during the times of depression (which were more prevalent than my times of happiness) is that I like to lie to myself, and to God.
I guess I think that as a Christian I should magically become perfect, and in my pursuit of this perfection (and hopefully the joy that comes with it) I like to fool myself into thinking that I am perfect, that things that affect other people my age, things I look at and think, "Oh, how stupid," actually affect me, too, because I'm a human being and I'm fallible.
So that's my pride getting in the way and just swelling, swelling till I can't keep it in anymore. And when it tumbles out it all falls out in one huge breath but there's still so much more to tell, so much more to say, so much more help I need.
And as I confess my sins to my Father, who knew them all along, I feel so wretched and in despair because how could God help me? And that was when Clare reminded me about accepting God's forgiveness and trusting Him. She said that she found it hard to separate joy from hope.
It took a while to trust. Took a while to let go and realise that, hey, this God of mine loves me so much that He died for me. Of course He'll help me. Of course He wants the best for me.
So I bow my head and tell Him: "You know everything that bothers me. You know all my faults and sins and yet You love me. Father, I'll trust that You know what You're doing in my life, even if I don't."
Joy comes in the morning.
jac was here with you
7/04/2004 09:28:00 pm