beautiful disaster

I dislike school, and that's putting it mildly.

Okay, okay. Jac does not like using strong words because they seem so final, but...I detest school. I abhor it (if that's the right usage of the word). I don't even know why I don't like it specifically but I just know that when I wake up in the morning at 6 am I have a strong urge to go back to sleep and wish I'd never woken up.

What is it? Because I hate (abhor, detest, insert appropriate synonym) waking up at 6 in the morning? Because I hate having to lug all these stupid assessment books to school and do them during whatever free time I have (side point: have people in, say, the US even heard of assessment books? Or is it a uniquely Singaporean thing?)? Because I hate the feeling of being alone despite being surrounded by people practically every moment? I don't know.

What I do know is that I have this deep sense of dread whenever Sunday night rolls around (after Gilmore Girls, typically). And I don't want to go to school on Monday. Wednesday perks me up because it means the next day is Thursday and on Fridays I go ecstatic because I can't wait for cell.

I can't keep on starting each week with the purpose of getting through it. I can't go through life this way, just living for the weekends. I know that's not the way it should be. Weekdays are part of my life just the way weekends are and I should be enjoying them, savouring them, being the person I want to be in them, not all yucky and dragging feet-ish. Pooh.

Something happened this morning that caught me off guard, not in a good way. In a sense, I had expected it but at the same time I didn't want it to be confirmed. I thought my day would go downhill from them but it didn't. It's quite funny what being good at catching a ball can do to you. After P.E., all flushed with pleasure at knowing I'm not completely hopeless at all sports, I realised that it didn't really hurt anymore. It wasn't that it didn't affect me anymore, this issue, but I realised that honestly, it won't matter. In 50 years' time, I won't even remember this.

I had a good day today. ("Are your brains too saturated? Do you need some time to cool down?" asks Mrs. Tan during chem remedial and we break out in laughter not because the joke is funny but because she says them in such a deadpan, unexpected manner and yes, our brains are too saturated.)

jac was here with you 8/18/2004 06:37:00 pm

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My Destiny
Psalm 46 (NASB)
God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change
And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;
Though its waters roar and foam,
Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.

There is river whose streams make glad the city of God,
The holy dwelling places of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
The nations made an uproar, the kingdoms tottered;
He raised His voice, the earth melted.
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.

Come, behold the works of the Lord,
Who has wrought desolations in the earth.
He makes wars to cease to the end of the earth;
He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two;
He burns the chariots with fire.
"Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.