beautiful disaster

Can't sleep again. It's been a while since the last one. Glad tomorrow's a holiday.

Just checked my mail, went through Interact stuff so I won't have to do them tomorrow. Planning on getting up early to run because I haven't been able to lately and have been feeling horrible as a result. It's come to a point where it's not just about maintaining my weight or whatever--when I don't run I actually don't feel good about myself, I feel all yucky inside, like there are toxins swimming around with the fats that are gradually accumulating with every grease-laden bite of food I take. I wouldn't like to take a look inside my stomach when I'm eating.

Have had to run alone lately because my favourite guy running partner is lazy and has lousy knees, and my favourite girl running partner has been training for squash national finals against RJ, so she's been doing more than her fair share of running already. I've gotten so used to running with someone else that it now takes more energy to get myself off my butt and run alone. Today I ran around Dan's estate without him and it took me about an hour to stop procrastinating. And then when I started running I got myself lost and ended up in River Valley Road and had to ask for directions to get back.

Went out with Dan after that to this Thai restaurant near sixth avenue for dinner and after dinner I bumped into Joe the video guy while browsing through videos. Finding myself at a loss to make small talk, I called Dan over and listened while they both talked. Joe asked about Dan's plans after army and upon discovering that he wanted to go overseas, started talking about how great Canada (where he studied) was.

As usual, I kept quiet most of the time, but what struck me was the sudden coldness that rushed over me when Dan stated that he wanted to go overseas. Why is he so eager to go? And why am I not? Things change when you go overseas, and I don't like change. I don't see how he can feel so excited over it--if I were given a choice I would probably only go because everyone says it's a good experience and I know that it will be, like how going to Hwa Chong is a good experience. But as for my feelings--they're mixed, as usual, and I know it's because I'm scared.

Have been wondering if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing in Hwa Chong. Many times I feel that I've failed in honouring God because of all the times I give in to the feeling of dread and dislike of the school. And I don't know if it's just me making things up or if it really is.

Take My hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on Me alone
Don't you say "why were the old times better?"
Just because you're scared of the unknown.
Take My hand and walk where I lead
You will never be alone
Faith is to be sure of what you hope for
And the evidence of things unseen
Take My hand and walk.
--The Kry

jac was here with you 5/01/2006 12:56:00 am

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My Destiny
Psalm 46 (NASB)
God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change
And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea;
Though its waters roar and foam,
Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.

There is river whose streams make glad the city of God,
The holy dwelling places of the Most High.
God is in the midst of her, she will not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
The nations made an uproar, the kingdoms tottered;
He raised His voice, the earth melted.
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.

Come, behold the works of the Lord,
Who has wrought desolations in the earth.
He makes wars to cease to the end of the earth;
He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two;
He burns the chariots with fire.
"Cease striving and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."
The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our stronghold.