YTurn
Once in a while when something momentuous happens you feel as if you're at the threshold of something, and things are about to change. With the onset of the new year, I've been having that feeling pretty often.
It's this tension of anticipation and apprehension. It's been 2005 for 365 days already and everyone's pretty sick of it, but with the new year comes new changes, new challenges, and as boring as the old year was, sometimes it's a lot easier to stick to something you're comfortable with. I was really comfortable in 2005 and I guess that's why the new year had to arrive.
So tomorrow I'm going to start school again and I definitely don't feel anything close to excitement but I don't feel dread either. All I know is that I feel prepared, because this year, unlike the previous one, I know whom I'm going to meet, where I'm going to go, what I'm going to do.
Well, for the most part.
Years where there are big changes never really go down well with me, even though they often teach me a lot. Last year I remember entering the year brimming with excitement, all raring to go. But what I experienced wasn't what I expected, and what the year threw at me wasn't what I thought I would get. From completely missing my Orientation to not getting into dance, from missing MG more than I thought I would to feeling so utterly inferior and alone in Hwa Chong, God spared no expense teaching me that I need Him all the time, and even more as the years go by. You would think that the older you get the stronger you'd be and more able to take on challenges on your own, but in reality the older you get the tougher the world becomes and the more aware of your own weakness you are. God is in the process of humbling me and teaching me to depend on Him.
Perhaps because of my melancholic tendencies I tend to overlook the blessings God has given me: friends, ballet, salsa, scholarship, good grades (not perfect, but all right), if I were feeling cliched, all the lessons He taught me through the horrible times of the year (not that it's not true--I think often the truest things get repeated so often they become tired). But blessings are nothing if you don't do anything with them, and this year one of the lessons I've learnt is about service.
In one of his letters, Paul says something like he's being poured out like a drink offering. I think I really learnt what that meant this year. Being in the Interact exco made me go down for things like old folks' home visitations and a lot of times I really didn't want to because I was tired and stressed and overall very depressed. You know that Chinese saying about how helping other people makes you happy? Well, sorry, but in the real world it's not always so. In the real world you get cranky old folks, sec 4 kids who don't give two hoots about the fact that they don't understand multiplication even though their O'Levels are in a month's time and annoying people who don't have the courtesy to reply to smses about Interact stuff. It's enough to drive you mad even when you're not behind on your history notes, completely blanking out during econs and are three tutorials behind for math.
The thing is, when you're in that situation, what do you do? You could just chuck everything away and concentrate on what's important to you (i.e. your studies), or you could give despite your tiredness and cynicism and loneliness. A lot of times I got selfish and tried doing everything I could to get away from my responsibilities--I mean, if I didn't take care of myself, who would? But maybe sometimes the thing to do is to give even though you don't feel like it. Because when you're serving, you can't think of yourself; you can't think of who will minister to you. If you keep thinking about how much you need someone to help you there would be no motivation for you to serve at all. You can only shut your eyes tight and clench your teeth and get through it and trust that "My God will meet all of your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus."
Of course, sometimes the reason why you feel so alone is not because there is nobody but because you can't open up to people and ask for their help--something I have to continue to work on, and something that will be elaborated on another day.
Despite the loneliness and the inferiority complex and the depression, though, I am thankful that I survived the year, lived to tell my tale and am about to embark once more on another year of surprises.
As I finally close this entry, at the risk of sounding cliched and sentimental, the following is a list of people I want to thank for supporting me this year: Dan, Zhen, Gilly, Hannah, Justin, Debbie, Clare (for the emails and for caring), Hsien, Liling, Charmaine (for being so perfect), Sam Toh (for the hug in the toilet), Shirin (for the letters that make me feel loved), Kah Yoke (for the smses), Andrew (for praying), Yado-Chang-Justin Eng-Clement-Dean-James (for making me laugh), Sandra (for the rides home and lots of help during the latter part of the year), Dorcas (for being a Hwa Chongian and understanding), the cell girls (for talking to me even after disastrous cell lessons), Adora-Tash-Nic (for making me miss MG), my mum (for letting me cry on her shoulder even though she hates it when I cry)...
There are probably more but I think I'll stop here. I hope when I get back into school I'll still be able to remember that people are part of life too, and studying isn't everything (that sounded so depressing). In any case, whatever 2006 (and Cambridge, and the MOE, and Hwa Chong, and Humanities...) throws at me will never be too big for my God.:)
jac was here with you
1/02/2006 02:15:00 pm
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