Yhistory is circular sometimes
Taking a breather after a whole morning of struggling with stats. Ironic that the most boring part of my A'level syllabus comes from my best subject. There was this horrible headache that just kept on throbbing while I tried to work out the sums, and that's a sign of my feeling rushed and not trusting enough. So after I was done with math I decided to take a break before starting on history.
Have been quite frustrated over the past few days because of the monotony of the routine. Haven't had lessons for two days so all I really do is stay at home and study, which is normally fine, just that wait a minute, haven't I been doing this for the past 2 months? So I decided today to go to school to study with Sam but in the end realised it would probably make me feel even more rushed so, yep, I'm back here at home.
Yesterday I was looking through what I'd written in my journal two years back at this same period, just before my O's, and I realised that I'd actually been struggling with the same issues as I am now. It was a ironically comforting reminder, though, because I've always tended to look back at my O'level year and say, "It was so easy then, I had everything down pat before prelims started, and I never had the same sort of anxieties as I do now," but I realised that at that point of time I had already begun thinking about my future and worrying about the outcome of my exams. I had never been able to not worry about it, it seems, even when I got the best possible result anyone could have gotten for prelims.
There were worries about going into Hwa Chong, wanting to make sure I got into the most perfect school. Then I had worries about my future and what I wanted to do, and contrary to what I thought on hindsight, when I'd applied for the Humanities Scholarship I had worried about everyone being arty farty and me not being able to keep up with them. I had thought about scholarships even before I entered JC, but only fleetingly, and I'd struggled with my image of God being a sadistic God who only wants to do bad things to me.
Funny thing is, despite all my angst, I was thankful for the same things: my friends. I don't think you ever really begin to appreciate your friends until you realise you need them to pull you through something, to take your mind off your concerns, to let you know you're not in this alone. God has been faithful.
So why was it ironically comforting that I'm going through the same issues as last time? Because God brought me through my O'levels, didn't He? And He brought me through them well. He may not give me the same good grades as He did two years ago but I think I can safely say that it's part of His plan, and His plans are not to harm me.
I've realised going through this life doesn't require one final relinquishing of all our cares to Him. Maybe it's because we're too weak to do follow through that sort of resolution. For me it has to start with clinging on to Him every day and telling Him, "I'm sorry about my pride, I put it down. I need You, and I'll worship You with what You want me to do this day." And then going about it with His grace.
jac was here with you
10/12/2006 02:32:00 pm