YResolutionalizing
(Haha) 1. Don't be so vain.
2. Do your own makeup next time (stop being so lazy and asking other people to do it for you and then regretting the results).
3. Stop trying to win other people's approval. Be yourself. Yeah.
jac was here with you
7/26/2004 09:42:00 pm
YBefore The Main Event
Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, the week's nearly over and I'm so happy! :)
Ooooh, this weekend should be interesting...Founder's Day on Sunday, and I haven't gotten my shoes yet. It's a pity the next day is a school day; it would have been fun to sleep over or something. Sunday night I'll probably be stumbling back home sleepy-eyed and fumbling to take off the stupid eyeliner which I will inevitably have to wear despite my misgivings about it. I'll wait around for an hour or so for my hair to dry after my shower, refusing to heed my mother's calls to use the hairdryer until I get fed up and too sleepy to care, then finally fall, relieved, into bed, only to wake up again after too short a slumber and dash around for clothes and books to be ready for the new day.
Whew.
Life is beautiful, though...I haven't mentioned that, have I? It is. Wonderfully abundantly exuberantly beautiful (though I have yet to see most of it). Yay! Life is good :)
jac was here with you
7/22/2004 09:45:00 pm
YThe Risk Is Worth The Return
If you want to make a change, you have to risk something. If you have something to say, be bold enough to say it.
Don't hide behind a verneer of apathy and self-consciousness. I don't understand; what's wrong with challenging status quo? I do it all the time and people probably have issues with me because of it but don't you see? It's so much better to question and challenge than accept things outwardly and grumble inside.
If everyone thought that way nothing would have changed. Do you want to be one of those standing on the sidelines, thinking about the inadequacies of the system but never lifting a finger to initiate change, or do you want to be the one to make the change, and see the benefits, and be glad you questioned and suggested?
jac was here with you
7/20/2004 06:28:00 pm
YThe Dilemma
Please, please, please, let everything calm down after Founder's Day. Please let me be able to come back after school at 2:15 at least once a week, not exhausted from the day. I'm so glad Friday's half day because of Founder's Day. If it weren't half day I would have had to stay back for dance, which is fun, but tiring.
Went for ACJC council investiture today. So weird. After the investiture (which was really grand; I thought only MG had the weird walking-in-with-triumphant-music thing but AC has it too and they're better because they don't look on the floor when they walk) Kaye and I went to the reception where I guess you're basically supposed to network and talk but the problem is that while Nadine loves this sort of thing, I don't. I have no idea how you just go up to a complete stranger and start talking. It's just so weird. Thank goodness Melvin, Charmaine, Raymond and GuangZhao showed up so we talked to them and then we went around talking to all the MG seniors we knew (practically half the exco is made of MG girls).
Lifeng, Inez and Rachel took us around the place. I think AC invited MG because they want to attract us to AC when we graduate. I do like the AC spirit and most of the people I know who have gone to AC (and trust me, I know many) all come out loving it, but...I'm not sure. We choose our JCs on three months' time, after prelims, and I haven't decided.
Okay, I sort of have, just that I sort of haven't. Aren't I stupid? Andris says that I want to go to Hwa Chong but I'm making up excuses not to go there. I missed their Open House because they didn't even inform us--all the polys send us flyers but oooh, the no. 3 JC in Singapore doesn't want MG girls coming to their school. And I was blind, lah, because I live so near to them and didn't even see the banner announcing their Open House.
Chang says technically I can't make the wrong decision but I feel like I can. I'm thinking too much again--what if I hate it there, what if I would be happy at AC instead of Hwa Chong? Or vice versa? Augh.
3 months. 3 months is a lot of time for something to happen.
jac was here with you
7/19/2004 08:45:00 pm
YFalling In Love
Someday we'll trust Him and learn how to see Him / Someday He'll call us and we will come running / And fall in His arms; the tears will fall down and we'll pray / "I want to fall in love with You."
Feel like I'm on this uphill struggle to knowing God and falling in love with Him all over again. Monday I started out great, with this huge desire to know Him more and not let obstacles get in the way. Then as the week passed by it just got so overwhelming, the distractions. I hung on the best I could and He reminded me that I have His strength to use. Last week really was good.
But today everything just started to crumble. It seems like everything I do, everytime i try to give my all and love Him the best I can it's never enough and I can't let go of the temporal things I cling on to. It was so discouraging; I was in despair.
I spent some time with Him today. It was good. I read Ephesians, about how Paul prayed that the Ephesians may have the power to know the fulness of Christ's love for us. I want to know that love. I'm beginning to rediscover that love. The knowledge that He loves me and wants me to know Him and seek Him even more than I want to helps me realise that He's for me, that He's working with me to discover His love. It's like I'm climbing up a hill and using a rope attached to the summit to work my way up, and He's holding on to the rope at the summit, pulling it as I cling on to it, helping me get up. Like a super-strong Spider-man. :)
(P.S. I watched Spider-man 2. It was well worth my $8.50; it didn't disappoint.)
jac was here with you
7/11/2004 07:54:00 pm
YIt's Been A While
The first week of school has been eventful for me. Things have happened and sometimes I feel like I'm on top of the world while other days I feel like I've spiralled down into the depths of the earth. It's been a bumpy ride.
I guess one of the things I realised as I meandered through my thoughts during the times of depression (which were more prevalent than my times of happiness) is that I like to lie to myself, and to God.
I guess I think that as a Christian I should magically become perfect, and in my pursuit of this perfection (and hopefully the joy that comes with it) I like to fool myself into thinking that I am perfect, that things that affect other people my age, things I look at and think, "Oh, how stupid," actually affect me, too, because I'm a human being and I'm fallible.
So that's my pride getting in the way and just swelling, swelling till I can't keep it in anymore. And when it tumbles out it all falls out in one huge breath but there's still so much more to tell, so much more to say, so much more help I need.
And as I confess my sins to my Father, who knew them all along, I feel so wretched and in despair because how could God help me? And that was when Clare reminded me about accepting God's forgiveness and trusting Him. She said that she found it hard to separate joy from hope.
It took a while to trust. Took a while to let go and realise that, hey, this God of mine loves me so much that He died for me. Of course He'll help me. Of course He wants the best for me.
So I bow my head and tell Him: "You know everything that bothers me. You know all my faults and sins and yet You love me. Father, I'll trust that You know what You're doing in my life, even if I don't."
Joy comes in the morning.
jac was here with you
7/04/2004 09:28:00 pm