YControl Freak
It's 3:40 am on a Monday morning and I am unable to sleep again. I tried, y'know, closing my eyes and not thinking but it doesn't really work, and I'm supposed to go to the library tomorrow to research for my history essay and after that watch Harry Potter with Debbie and Justin, so I'd really like a good night's sleep, but I don't think I could get one if I tried so here I am, not trying.
It's frustrating. I have all these plans and a horrible night's sleep could just ruin it all. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and realised I couldn't get back to sleep and it horrified me because Saturday had been such a woozy, slow, sultry day, and my lack of sleep hadn't made things easier. After I finally got back to sleep and was woken up at 8 am for church I was so tired I decided to go for the later service instead.
I wish things were easier to control. It's my dad's genes; he needs the right conditions to get to sleep and stay asleep--sort of like crystal growing, which I suppose is a nice analogy, just that when it comes to sleep you don't really care how pretty or clear or whatever you look, you just want to have enough rest to get off your backside and enjoy the day.
I wonder if God's trying to tell me something by doing this to me. You know, I thought I had all of this relinquishing-control things worked out. So last week was messed up because I was sick and sleepy and woozy. And that got me frustrated, but it's fine, y'know, cos it's only a week. But tomorrow's the only day I'm going to get to work on this essay before I fly off to Sabah, and it would be really nice if I could actually do it awake and fresh and not half dead. It doesn't make the job any easier.
I guess worse comes to worst, I could take the day off, but I have been doing an awful lot of those sort of things lately. The important thing right now, I think, is to seek God and not be sulky if He shifts things around a bit. As much as I hate that.
I'm going to read Everwood transcripts.
jac was here with you
11/21/2005 03:40:00 am
Ypositive
I am sick. Runny nose and a cough that seems to bring up all my insides with it. Don't worry, it's getting better--the cough, I mean. The nose just keeps on leaking and leaking and killing more trees for tissue.
It's better than yesterday, when I ate the medicine and stumbled around the place as if I were on hallucinogens or something. The worst part was that when I tried to get to sleep I couldn't because my brain wouldn't obey me. I just kept on thinking and thinking and eventually I got up and did a practice SAT that gave me a headache. I think do the SAT better when I'm woozy, though, because I didn't get very many questions wrong, despite my stupor.
Woke up eventually, and went salsa-ing with Justin Eng and Yado. Next week I'm going in heels and jeans and knocking everyone out with my killer moves--yeah, right, if this flu doesn't kill me first.
Justin drove us there, in his mum's rickety old car that stalls more often than Dan's. It's this tiny blue cardboard box that rattles as it goes, and it took Justin about 10 whole minutes to park his car because it kept stalling every time he moved forward. But it got us there, and back, in one piece, and that's all that matters.
Today I resolve to finish up my lit essay and then go and kick ass at ballet class because on Saturday I went to my ballet teacher's place to revise my Grade 7 stuff and I actually know what's going on now. No more stumbling around like an idiot, copying steps half a second too late anymore! Yep, if the sleepiness doesn't get her first, Jac will own this class! The same way she will own this essay, and the next, and the next, and then she'll be free!
Positive thinking, yeah.
(Later, 5:17 pm: My lit essay is at a grand total of 3, yes, 3 pages, and I can't think of anything else to say.)
jac was here with you
11/15/2005 01:45:00 pm
YOut In the Dark
Lying in my bed in the darkness for two hours, I wondered and wondered, and thought of many things--random and floating, sweet and memorable. Then I thought of other, more random things, and wondered what people without journals did when they thought of things like these, inconsequential, out-of-the-blue thoughts that just needed to be expressed, like, "What if I become an air stewardess, and then get promoted to work in SIA headquarters? No, but then I'd be stuck in an aeroplane 24/7 and get so much I'd get fat. And I wouldn't be able to take ballet classes cos I'll be flying everywhere." --Yeah, what would you do with that?
Sometimes I think I'm schizophrenic or something. I have a journal, a blog and tonnes of friends, and I'm still lying in my bed thinking weird thoughts to myself before I go to sleep. Sometimes for two hours, like tonight. Who does that? Especially after a very tiring day. There isn't even a need to think so much, especially rubbish thoughts that aren't really important or life-changing. I mean, they're nice to think about, but not the night before your Project Work Oral Presentation.
Maybe I'm just an insomniac. I remember this children's book my brother got for his birthday about an insomniac snail. It was so clever--every bird's name was somehow hidden in the drawing, and you had to look for it. I bet that would be a good way of entertaining someone before they went to sleep.
I mean, the fact that I'm up here using the computer and my mother, the classic owl, isn't, should be telling my body something, right? But noo, neither my brain nor my body listens to me now. Fantastic.
Jac! You've got to get to sleep! You have to get up in 5 1/2 hours to talk about plastic bags in front of four very scary grown-ups for five minutes! And after that answer questions about them! Go!
That's it, I'm going crazy.
jac was here with you
11/10/2005 01:19:00 am
YNothing Else I Need
It's subsided into a dull ache now. No more searing pain, just an ache, but an ache tells you what you're missing, and an ache reminds you that things could be better and you could be happier.
It's in the silence that I notice the ache. It was always there but in the silence everything is stripped away and what is really inside you reveals itself. In the quietness of the day, all alone, I ache.
But this life isn't my own, and this ache I have doesn't come from missing something I have either. Everything I had was His anyway, but even then I don't know how to reconcile all of this. How can you be complete when you distinctly feel something is missing? But we are found and made complete in Christ, and so I am complete, even if I don't feel it.
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.
jac was here with you
11/09/2005 10:52:00 am
YHave A Nice Day
I have decided to rest over the holidays. :)
jac was here with you
11/03/2005 12:13:00 pm