YWithout the Men
I guess it's a good thing, in a warped way. I'm back to the days when my blog was just another collection of bytes floating around in cyberspace, obscured by the more important, bigger collections of bytes. Back then things came out of me a lot more freely. Now...I seem to have a permanent sore throat and a chronic loss of memory.
Speaking of memory, I have just woken up to the reality that for my history exam I have to memorise Italian, German, French, Burmese, Malayan, Straits Settlements, IndoChinese and East Indian history. I don't even want to think about how I'm going to fit everything into my brain, really.
Promos preparations have been...threadbare. Half the time I've been so worried I'm unable to study more than I set out to do (which is not a lot), and the other half of the time I'm to unconcerned to do the same. I don't understand it, because no matter what state I'm in--stressed or relaxed, panicked or calm--I just don't/can't study. I don't know how far this is going to take me.
I was doing my quiet time today when I remembered Joshua and Gideon and David and King Hezekiah and King Jehoshaphat, and how God told them to trust in Him and then went to win the battle all by Himself. Joshua had to make the Israelites march around Jericho like idiots for seven days, Gideon had to keep reducing the number of his men till there were only 300 left, Kings Hezekiah and Jehoshaphat barely had to lift a finger to defeat the Assyrians and Moabites & Ammonites respectively (if you don't believe me, check out 2nd Chronicles 20 and 32).
I'm not claiming this as God telling me anything--for all I know, I may just fail my promos. But right now, there's nothing else I can do, and I don't know why myself. My exams start tomorrow (GP luckily, so you can't prepare for that), and who knows what will happen after that? Maybe I don't have to work so hard, maybe I do and because I didn't I'll have to bear the consequences.
So I advance into the battle without the men.
jac was here with you
9/29/2005 01:28:00 pm
YA Jolt Back To Reality
And just in case we were all wallowing in self-pity over the past week (I know I was), take a look at today's Home section of the Straits Times and the front page of Today.
Sure puts things into perspective.
jac was here with you
9/24/2005 04:37:00 pm
YNext!
I think I've become more vulgar as a result of hanging around the people in class so much. Uggh. If only their brilliance would rub off on me in a similar way.
Was floating through cyberspace reading hc people's blogs. Bernie's entries never fail to amuse me, albeit in a very vulgar and gross way. It's a change, though--even though it's school we're all complaining about, the people in Hwa Chong do it in a very different way from the people in MG or AC. Sociology, here I come.
And I really should be getting off. The reason why I don't go online very often is because it's so hard to get off. I told myself I'd go off at 4 to do the history essays I told Charmaine I'd do by Sunday (and I should do them; they're the only way I'm going to revise my French Rev), but I'm still online, and posting only because I have an urge to say something though there as absolutely nothing in my mind right now.
I think I've found the key to all of this. I need to talk more rubbish. My brain's so saturated with worry and information and--EEEEE! I just saw a millipede! GROSSS! It's squirming around the floor and is being attacked by a very hungry lizard--YUCKKKK! It squirmed away--I think one of its legs got injured or something--but GROSS! If you enlarged them about 50 times you'd get a snake and a monitor lizard fighting to the death! YUCKKKK!
I can't deal with millipedes. I can't deal with anything that's long and slithery and vaguely snake-like. Ughh.
Speaking of snake-like things, did you know that they grew rice in Burma as a cash crop? Along the river Irrawaddy, and Miles drew the river out for us on the board, and it looks like a millipede because of all the tributaries running off in different directions. They planted the rice on the banks of the river, not in the river, as I mistakenly assumed.
Justin got himself an iPod nano from his mum. I'd never even heard of an iPod nano until this morning. It's really pretty--so tiny and light and white and shiny. Sam Sim was being anal about the number of scratches it had despite him getting it only yesterday. Sam's so funny.
If you're wondering why this post is so strange and random, I blame it on promos. ONE WEEK! YEAH!
jac was here with you
9/23/2005 04:07:00 pm
YFreshly-Brewed
Just came back from YMLC and surprisingly am not shacked even though it's 10 pm at night and I slept at 4:30 am this morning after two completely idiotic games of bluff with the Barker people. I was falling asleep throughout the day, though, and I nearly didn't make it down in time for breakfast.
All in all, I'm thankful for the three days of rest I had in JB. It wasn't rest per se, what with Hannah dragging us off to the mall downstairs and both of us making a huge ruckus when Yado and YaoZhang used our toilet and then tried to mask the smell by putting sugar in the toilet bowl, but I'm glad for the chance to get away from studies and clear my mind. I think that allowed God to speak to me and bring to mind issues He wanted me to deal with.
It's a huge paradox, this walk with God, because things are so simple yet so difficult. I didn't discover any new truths during the three days, but I did come across fresh ones, and it's those same truths seen in a different light that bring us one step closer to God and one step closer to understanding our identity in Him.
jac was here with you
9/10/2005 10:04:00 pm
Yof skirts and shopping sundays
So I finally got myself a skirt yesterday, after much whining to anyyone who would listen on Saturday that I don't look good in skirts, but I'm sick of wearing pants, and I can't find the perfect skirt because I look like a hooker in those short silky skirts that are now in fashion. (DON'T LAUGH.)
So after bringing my sartorial woes to Kim and laying them squarely on her Orchard-Road-savvy shoulders, she promptly dragged me into m)phosis and within 5 minutes picked out not one, not two, but four skirts for me to try on. Unfortunately, m)phosis only allows you to try on 3 pieces at one go, so I had to part with one skirt.
Oh, and just in case you thought you were just going to try the skirt on in the dressing room and no one else would have to see how strange you looked with it on, she calls out, "Make sure you come out to show us!" Brilliant.
But the mini fashion parade comes off pretty well; I step out off the changing room and examine my oddly-shaped legs in the mirror in front of me and frown but Tash and Kim somehow think I look really good in that skirt and shoo me back in to try the next two skirts. After walking in and out of the changing room three times the general consensus is that I should take the first skirt, which I decide to. I really hope my mum does not read this entry because this epitomises spur of the moment shopping and she will strip me of all ATM card privileges should she find out.
While waiting for the sales assistant to get my skirt to the counter I examine the shoes on sale and realise that m)phosis actually has nice black kitten heels that will probably last longer than my x:odus ones, and I resolve to go in when they have sales.
Kim, on the other hand, has been looking at the boleros and squealing at how pretty they are. Personally, I don't get what's so cool about wearing a bolero. Kim claims that they have always been pretty and since they're in style now we should sieze the opportunity to wear it. I don't quite get her logic--but then again, I've sworn never to wear a denim skirt in my life, and they're forever in.
jac was here with you
9/05/2005 11:33:00 pm
Ywhen we meet again
Went to watch Betrayal with the class and had an interesting talk with Brandon on the way home, about the play (which he thought was utter rubbish), class dynamics, and friendships. I quite enjoy talking to guys--in many aspects, they are more open than girls about their lives and their opinions. Of course, you have to pick the right guys to talk to. And after 9 months with the class, I think I've figured it out.
It's interesting how friendships develop. Strangely enough, my MG friends and I only grew closer to each other once we left MG. Entering a different, sometimes scary environment, we clung on to each other as the bastions of what was safe and familiar, and knew we were going through the same things--we understood each other. I remember Nic, Zhen and me sitting on the steps beside the Hwa Chong field, watching VJ thrash Hwa Chong's softball team, laughing at absolute rubbish and talking about how annoying our skirts were and how inconvenient it was to have boys around. How strange that last year we had so much in common yet there was so little to talk about and now our diverged paths have brought us closer than ever before.
And then there are the friendships forged in JC. Andrea and I sat in the airport yesterday watching the councillors see Shirin off with their strange, extremely embarrassing council cheer. It drew stares from the couple sitting on the railing beside them, and the jet-lagged travellers trying to wave down taxis, but in me it drew out more than that--it drew out the familiar sensation of longing to belong. It's something I don't get in Hwa Chong but something that characterises AC. But the choice has been made, and despite that loss, I have gained--in a painful but enriching way.
It isn't like that here. Here, we're still feeling our way around each other, unsure of how deep to probe into each other's lives, unsure of what we think of each other. You can't hold a candle under fruit to make it ripen, according to Bismarck. So friendships can't be forced; they have to develop naturally. And in the meanwhile I float in between school and MG and church and home.
Watching Shirin walk past the departure gates and turn to give the rest of us--MG friends, plus adoring AC boys, and happy council mates--one final glance, I wondered--selfishly, I know--if that will ever be me. I know if that day comes I'll be crying buckets--I won't want to let go.
jac was here with you
9/03/2005 10:33:00 pm
YItself.
It's funny--I just realised that every time I conquer one fear, another fear jumps out at me and it's back to square one again. And a lot of times it's more the prospect of what is going to happen that scares me and not the issue itself. But I think that's the whole point, isn't it? If we get everything into perspective there isn't anything to fear, but a lot of times we're hanging upside down when we view the world.
I need You
It sounds stupid, but studying for promos scares me.
jac was here with you
9/01/2005 07:16:00 pm