YIt is FINISHED.
I'M DONE! After 2 weeks of research, 6 hours of staring at a computer screen spread over three days and typing and editing and typing some more, countless hours spent in the library photocopying over a hundred pages and killing whole trees as a result, I HAVE FINISHED MY HISTORY ESSAY.
Okay, it's not the best essay in the world but it's possibly the essay I've spent the most time on in my life, and for that I am PROUD of it. Haha! And it's six pages, too! It started off at 3 1/2 pages and it grew and grew. Okay, actually it's 5 1/2 pages but in any case that sounds a whole lot better than 3-and-a-half. I don't even know how I managed to write 3 1/2 when everyone else was complaining about their essays running into 8 or 9 pages. Ailene says it's because I'm succint. (Side point: don't you think the word succint looks succint in itself? Haha.) I think, in my typical self-deprecating way, that it's because I'm stupider than her. Hah. :)
Today after doing history essay I told myself I'd surf around on some econs websites in order to feel a little more intelligent but I figure any more studying and I'm going to freak out. I practically begged to go out tomorrow; I don't want to see my notes till next week.
So anyway, I started blog-hopping and started at Sam Toh's site and discovered that with a little convenient clicking of links you can find lots of people you know and read lots of interesting things that they write about themselves on the Internet. Much like what you're doing to me now. It gives me a sense of power, knowing something they don't. You-don't-know-I-know-your-blog. It's a girl kay-poh-ness thing.
Today Miles told us we were moving on to Southeast Asian history and the class erupted in indignation. It was such an anticlimax; I think all along we thought we'd be doing the French Revolution up until the point when Napoleon dies or something but all we actually did was a little bit after he did the coup of Brumaire and established a dictatorship! We didn't even get much details about what happened then; just all the stuff he implemented. Pooh!
"We've been shortchanged!" I called out.
"Well, that's a first! I've never had a class complain because they didn't have enough work!" he replied.
"But what happened to Napoleon?" Lisa asked.
"Well," Miles said, "He died."
"But how?"
"Well, if you really want to know, he got exiled to an island and drank some poison that shrunk his genitalia."
I love my history teacher.
jac was here with you
3/31/2005 08:31:00 pm
YWhat Is Observed While Floating
Yay! This house believes that Myanmar should be allowed to chair ASEAN in 2006! a14 beat s73 2-1 to clinch the Hwa Chong inter-CT debate 2005. YEAHHH. Meanwhile, I embarrassed myself in front of Burge and Perry by saying something completely contradictory to what Kai Siong had said before me (according to Lucas, at least) but hey, at least I earned a compliment from some s73 guy. According to him, everyone who spoke in the debate was really vicious except for "this MG girl who stood up during the crossfire round". All right.
They're really on to this siew-jie, tai-tai thing, aren't they? How strange. So far I've gotten at least one remark on siew-jie-ness a day, the latest one being that I'd make the best housewife out of all the girls in the class. Are they CRAZY?? I can't even COOK, and I hate to sew. :P
It's funny how our class has begun to clique (I don't know what's the verb of clique so I'll just make it clique). I'm still the drifter (and I've begun to enjoy drifting, actually), and it's interesting to watch the class slowly separate into two entities. Birds of a feather flock together, but it's not due to superficial common interests...oh no, it's far more intrinsic than that. Things will get a little more complicated with the addition of a new person in about a month's time.
I've lost track of what time it is now...Goofy time or Donald Duck time. Regardless, next week is History essay and Scholarship Interview week, and marks 3 months since the beginning of school. 3 months doesn't sound long until you realise it's a quarter of a year, and then things start sounding optimistic.
I should get back to the countless extracts I've got to read for the essay. I wish we were doing Plath for Lit; it's so much more interesting than Blake. Blake's fun at the first reading but he gets a bit repetitive after a while. Anti-organised religion and suppression, all that (though London is fantastic). Same imagery all the time (water=materialism and stars=oppression??). Plath's imagery is fascinating, though. I want to know how people do that. Maybe we'll get her next year.
Blessed is finally going to take place tonight. I always feel that even though the youth are the ones who are running the show, it's the adults who are the ones losing sleep over it. Cos they're always pushing us, springing surprises on us, even. We're just sort of reacting to things half the time, taking orders. Just a thought.
Justin told me something a while ago about loving your country. I've forgotten the exact words, but it sparked off a thought in me. More of a wonderment, I guess. I wonder how people love a country enough to do things for it, like work in the government. I'm not even willing to serve my school (yes, people. I am not running for council) and I find it hard to imagine some people would. Do they really love the country, or do they love the people? If they love the people, would that mean they'd serve whichever country they could, given a chance? How do you learn to love the people? What a great task...I want to know.
jac was here with you
3/26/2005 11:37:00 am
YA Rare Feeling of Euphoria
Jac's feeling strangely light today.
Maybe it's because she just had ballet class
and even though her ballet exam's in two days' time
and she can't really developpe that well
it was just fun dancing
and feeling like someone different.
Maybe it's because she just got her PC test back
on Plath's 'Tulips'
and did much better than expected
(A- :)).
Maybe it's because today was different.
Even though she still feels a bit lost
in the midst of all those French Revolution books
and isn't sure if she'll be able to write a good essay on the counter-revolution,
she knows it doesn't really matter
(and besides, Miles told us not to expect a good mark),
and God is in this with her.
Maybe it's because today she decided to do her own thing
and was a bit antisocial
and didn't really try to fit in
but she enjoyed being alone and not having to follow anyone
and just trusting that friends will come in their own time.
(She was a bit sleepy so she didn't make much effort anyway.)
Maybe it's because she read some happy blogs
written by people who feel happy
and do happy things.
They make her feel happy.
Or maybe it's because she started the day right
and spent time in God's presence before everything came,
resting in the assurance that He knew everything
before it happened.
So caught up in everything
that the annoying clock that distracts her in the quiet
was completely forgotten after she threw it in the wardrobe
and discovered later in the afternoon.
jac was here with you
3/21/2005 08:13:00 pm
YIdentity Crisis
It's been a welcome week of rest. It's nice to be able to wake up at 8 or 9 am in the morning instead of the ungodly hour of 6 AM every day and to have the whole day stretched out in front of you, just waiting.
For some strange reason it hasn't been an enjoyable week, though. There have been quite a lot of struggles, which was actually quite unexpected. I guess that just shows that it's not school that's really the problem.
One of the main problems I have is this thing about wanting to create a sort of image for myself. Yeah, I am really concerned about what other people think of me. I want to have a sort of standing in this world; I want others to see me and think, "Oh, that's Jac, she's..."
She's what? I wonder what I even want to be thought of. Nice? Pretty? Dancer-y? Godly? Cool? Smart? Deep?
The problem with me is that I want everything. I want to be all those things, and more. It's called wanting to be perfect, and up until this point of time I guess I have successfully deluded myself into thinking that's actually possible when everyone knows that's not. Cos there's always going to be someone better than you, and you're always going to want more and never be satisfied.
And so what if people think I'm this way or that? What do I get out of it? Bragging rights, haha. It hurts to be broken (yes, we're back at this again). Who should I root my identity in? Christ, yes, but it's so hard when everyone else is doing things the other way and judging you based on how academic or all-rounded or good-looking or talented you are.
I wonder what people who don't believe in God feel like. For one week I went around doubting that there was a God and it was the most horrible week of my life. I may not always base my identity in Christ now but at least I know who my identity should rightfully be in. A life without God means a life with an identity crisis--economies rise and fall, beauty fades (and gets artificial nowadays), and somehow someone who's better than you always comes along. It means you don't really have something you can put your complete trust in and know that it/he/she will never fail you.
I'm lucky in one respect: at least I know whom I can trust to take me through this life (I know to some this sounds rather dogmatic). I've still got a long way to learn how to live life with complete trust in Him, though. It's so easy to get caught up with the thinking of the world. Ah, the lesson of life.
jac was here with you
3/19/2005 02:55:00 pm
YBack
It's hard to imagine that about five days ago I was estatic about my O'Level results--so thankful, so relieved, so triumphant. It's funny how life works, because the past few days have been days fraught with worry and insecurity.
To tell you the truth, nothing much has happened outside of my mind. I told myself I wouldn't worry for the forty days before Lent (and hopefully after that), but this has been a tough resolution to keep--trusting in God and surrendering my future to Him.
I came to a realisation today. I thought I loved, but I didn't. There's a thin line between acting out of love and acting out of selfish desires and I'd been crossing it without actually knowing it. It's so easy to step over, so easy to forget something you once knew.
I feel...broken. Again. I feel helpless and hopeless and small again. I wish I could lean on God but it's so hard to lean on someone who's invisible. Any control I have over my life I feel is being stripped away or given up and I feel like i'm free falling...
...falling...
Funny, how vulnerable I feel, when this could possibly be the best course of action I can take.
I'm stepping out into a new week, feeling sort of alone, sort of insecure, sort of out of sorts with the rest of the world...but maybe that's how I'm meant to feel right now.
jac was here with you
3/06/2005 08:21:00 pm
YWhy I Was A Red, Splotchy Mess Yesterday
Just in case you think I'm this big blubberbut who cries at the drop of a hat (actually, sometimes I think I am).
It was the tension. The tension, I tell you, mounting and mounting until it became unbearable. I mean, honestly! While everyone had been going on about how nervous and worried they were the friday before results came out I thought I had everything under control. And I did have everything under control--until around two o'clock on the actual day.
Nic and I had heard from one of our juniors that our batch's results were the worst yet in MGS history or something like that, but we refused to believe it. Secretly, I thought the girl was just trying to make us panic; our batch isn't that smart but we're not that stupid either. But to hear Miss Kon actually say that we didn't do well at all and to see the statistics--I think the statistics did it. I blame it on the numbers.
I remember grasping Nic's hand the squeezing it tight and sinking down in my chair and placing my head on her shoulder so I wouldn't have to see the numbers anymore. Disappointment welled up within me as I felt everything crumbling down to nothing. I couldn't get 6 points now. There was no way I could get any good results with the sort of numbers they showed. Everything I had done was all for nothing and the teachers knew--oh no, how would they look at me now? I started sobbing. Uncontrollably, I don't even know why; I don't normally do this. No, Jac-the-one-in-control doesn't normally do this.
"Aw, Jac," Andrea said, noticing and turning around. "C'mon, Jac, they haven't even announced the results yet."
I tried to stop, I tried. It was stupid; she was right. I didn't even know what I got; why on earth was I crying? But somehow I couldn't stop.
By this time they'd run out of depressing statistics to show and on the screen were the great big letters, "Clarissa Poh--10 a1s and 1 a2" (I don't care what you say, Clare, that's something to be proud of, and we're so proud of you). This is where it gets really strange, because now you have this seventeen-year-old girl crying for herself and clapping and screaming for the friend she's so, so proud of, and when it gets to Yue-Yi getting 10 a1s it's even more so. Our class practically taupoked her; everyone was hugging and yelling and laughing, caught up in the joy of the moment. The two smartest girls got what they deserved.
Then they flash those who get 8 a1s, and (you guys know this bit) Xi Zi's name is on top but I don't think I really saw that until later because underneath that was mine and I think I practically collapsed on Nic at that point, and the tears of disappointment became tears of joy and relief and thanksgiving. I remember refusing to stand up because I was very sure I looked horrible and darnit, no one else cried, why did I have to go and overwork my tear ducts? But then there was Meixi and Bev and goodness who else behind poking me and telling me to and SO...
THAT is how you get a very slobbery, very overwhelmed, and very sobby girl who still can't really believe that she got 8 a1s and I GOT AN A1 FOR BIO, MR TAY! and oh my gosh, that means I can stay. I can stay in Hwa Chong, in the Humanities programme, with the people who have become my class and gosh, where is God taking me next?
Thank you everyone. (Haha, isn't it funny results came out on Oscars day?) Thank you wonderful MG teachers for being sooo patient, thank you fantastic friends and parents (I have to include this because my mum is so going to see) and brother (please pass your Amath) and everyone else for the support and for sticking by this spoilsport mugger...(Chang, I owe you dinner :P)...Gilly, I wish you were here...Nic, I'm sorry I blubbered all over your uniform...It's amazing that dreams do come true.
In Your unfailing love You will lead
the people You have redeemed.
In Your strength You will guide them
to Your holy dwelling...
The Lord will reign
Forever and ever.
jac was here with you
3/01/2005 06:20:00 pm