YThe Story So Far
This is one of the rare times when you see Jac grumpy. Normally I don't let people see me grumpy by it's 11:30 at night and I'm too grumpy to care. So there. :P
School has been all right. I've had three tests over the past three days and haven't learnt much because most of our periods have been occupied with the tests. I'm looking forward to history tomorrow; I like history. I doubt Miles has finished marking our history tests yet so we shall have another lesson on the French Revolution and the Jacobins and the Legislative Assembly. Which beats sitting in class and listening to people talk rot and never having anything to add to the conversation because if I talk rubbish people just stare because my rubbish really is rubbish (just go ask anyone who really knows me).
The class is getting to know who I am--thank goodness. I have forbidden this ACSi guy from calling me Jacqueline because it annoys me to be called so formally by someone I have seen practically every day for the past two months. Am trying to make friends but it's still a bit hard because I tend to retreat into my shell when I'm tired or bored and I guess there's nothing wrong with that just that when everyone else around you is mixing about and talking you wonder if there's something wrong with you.
My birthday was nice, though. My friends somehow found out I like pink lilies and gave me a bouquet of them. They've bloomed very prettily, and are brightening up the living room as we speak. Thank you for everyone who wished me happy birthday :)
It doesn't feel any different to be seventeen.
jac was here with you
2/23/2005 11:13:00 pm
YFall Down
What was I thinking, posting such a horrible poem? I apologise.
I know I haven't been blogging for a while. I guess it's due partly because I've been pretty busy and partly because I don't have anything to say. No, correct that. I have plenty of things to say but nothing really constructive and I do try not to make this blog something just full of empty ramblings.
I actually don't have anything planned to say now but in a bid to get the horrendous poem out of the way I shall post something for the heck of it.
A lot of things have happened in the past month or so, and many of them have slowly shaken me and broken me. I don't understand what is happening now--half the time I don't understand why I'm feeling the way I do. I'm pretty sure I know how I feel, though: lonely, insignificant, worthless. I look around me and see everyone else so much better than me and think, if only I were good at something, or were someone special, I wouldn't feel this way.
I know this shouldn't be who I am in Christ, though. Still, it's hard to translate that knowledge into reality. It's hard not to measure myself with every girl I meet. Oh, she's prettier. She's smarter. She's richer. Why aren't I? What have I got that makes me something, someone?
I don't exactly know why God is putting me through this but I'm getting an inkling. It's somewhat dubious at the moment, and I am uncertain, but I think by stripping away anything I can use to cling onto and base my self-worth on, God is forcing me to look to Him. He's telling me, yes, I was worthless and naked and plain and had nothing to show for. But now I have Him, and in Him lies everything I need--worth, hope, love. It enables me to see the extent of His grace and goodness more clearly as forces me to confront my unworthiness.
Humbled.
jac was here with you
2/12/2005 11:07:00 pm
YShadow
As she slips silently past
Future scholars, perky cheerleaders,
Down the darkened passage
She wonders
If she will ever find her place.
Visions, and opinions,
And questionsquestionsquestions
Stuck to her throat
Making her choke--
No sound ever comes out.
What marks are left to make
When there's no space in the ground?
Can timid voices be heard
Underneath the loud crowd?
Please slow down
Give me some time.
The world is a cruel place
If you can't shine.
jac was here with you
2/02/2005 10:18:00 pm