YBlind
Before the world sweeps you away...
Stop.
Look back, turn around, search.
Search for the God and the love you once knew.
Lift your eyes up to look from above the encircling darkness
That poisons the hearts and minds of the world.
jac was here with you
1/23/2005 08:52:00 pm
Remus Lupin Ron Weasley Severus Snape Hermione Granger Ginny Weasley Sirius Black Albus Dumbledore Draco Malfoy Harry Potter Lord Voldemort
Just to keep you occupied while I dive into another week of school:
Note the third highest alter ego. You scored as Remus Lupin. You are a wise and caring wizard and a good, loyal friend to boot. However sometimes in an effort to be liked by others you can let things slide by, which ordinarily you would protest about. 75% 70% 70% 70% 65% 60% 55% 50% 45% 10%
Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...?
created with QuizFarm.com
jac was here with you
1/23/2005 07:15:00 pm
YJust Whack
I'm so sorry for the really confusing previous entry. At that point of time I felt so messed up--I don't think my thought process was really working very systematically. I feel better now that I've figured out a system for my note-taking in school (yes, Jac is very strange). I don't blame you for not knowing what on earth was talking about--no, not that. I think you can understand what I'm going through but it's just not very logically written out, and that irks me.
I realised ever since I got into the humanities thingie I've been very conscious about my writing, thinking I've got to make sure I can write properly so everyone will know, wow, Jac can write, but that very carefulness and preciseness in the way I thinking about writing now stifles my writing.
So this is what I'm going to say: I'm not going to care whether I write well or not. As long as I get my point through without confusing you guys, I'm happy. So excuse the bad writing.
Anyway, here's an update on my state of mind.
I realised, after a lot of long talks with various people, that I've been dwelling on my negative thoughts about school. It's funny because I actually enjoy being negative. It's a very comfortable place to be, in the darkness and angst, but it's not very beneficial. In a warped way, it makes me feel better to be able to stress myself out because it's comforting. But I know it's not going to be have any long-term benefits; it'll do me more harm than good because the longer I carry on with these thoughts of hate and dread, the farther people are going to stay away from me because it shows.
I realised God has been holding out this gift of joy to me but all I've been doing is pushing it away because I don't want it. One part of me doesn't want to be joyful because that means I have to leave this nice, comfortable, dark zone I've shut myself in. Yet I know His gifts are always the best gifts, and not taking it would be doing Him a disservice [that looks wrong]. What kind of witness would I be if I weren't joyful? "Oh, there goes Jac, she's a Christian but she's always so sulky and antisocial. Why on earth would I want to be like her?"
I've been thinking and thinking and trying to analyse what I've done and what I should do and sinking deeper and deeper into the hole of despair I've created for myself when in actual fact I know what I'm supposed to do but I don't want to do it. It's so much easier to just sit there and think about what I should be doing instead of actually doing it.
I also realised that sometimes things seem worse than they actually are because of the previous phase one went through. It's like riding this huge wave and experiencing a thrill when suddenly, whoosh! You get wiped out. It's a crummy feeling but it wouldn't have been as crummy if you hadn't been on such a great wave in the first place. In my case, my December holidays were one of the happiest phases of my life. And then January rolled around and school, studies and disorganisation wiped me out. Don't get me wrong; I am very thankful for the December God has blessed me with, and I know I must be thankful for January and what God has given to me this month, too, but if I hadn't been so happy in December I might not have been so miserable once school appeared again.
It's just a process of getting used to things and being joyful.
jac was here with you
1/15/2005 09:32:00 am
YThe Open
I never realised how big and unfriendly the world is until I stepped into JC. Having been 'protected' by cute pink-and-white walls for the past 10 years, I got a rude shock once these walls disappeared.
There are times in your life when you have to grow, and often, these times occur when you're out of your comfort zone. This week, I have been unceremoniously plucked out from my small hidey-hole and very rudely dumped out in the open.
It's not very nice.
What is the open? The open is where people meet, but do not know. The open is governed by rules and systems where there is more than meets the eye. The open tries to draw you into its system and tells you unless you become this-and-that, your dreams will die.
People don't see you in the open. People see you, but they don't really see you. They see what you mean to them--just another student to teach, another person to make contact with, another number on the board.
Oh no, it's starting. I'm getting cynical.
I'm scared I'll end up this cynical old maid when I'm all grown up with no place to go. That's the whole point of this entry; it's not about the stupid open (though the open is a part of it). Heck, for all I know the open could be a lot friendlier, just that I haven't seen much of it yet (which is true. I've only been in the open for 6-and-a-half days. Don't ask).
You see, JC life is different. (At least in my JC it is.) You have to do things, and sometimes you don't always want to do them but in order to get that scholarship to go overseas, you have to. No, it's not just that. In order to fit in, in order to have things all fine and dandy for you conformity and following the unspoken rules is necessary.
What I want to know is this: do I have to participate actively in my school life? Do I have to become part of the school? Do I have to be with these people and, I guess, talk to them and brave the uncomfortableness I feel and go out with them in a bid to become better friends with them? Because I don't want to. I recognise I'm going to be spending most of the next two years in this place but I don't want to invest my time here; at least not in these ways. Things are different for me. My place is not in this world of no god. I do not want to have a stake in this world; my heart is somewhere else.
Is that wrong?
And if it is not wrong, how do I follow what I believe I am called to do without seeing how different I am and how different things are without growing bitter and jaded about the world?
Because there's a dichotomy at work over here. God calls us to love the people He has created, but not the world they have created for themselves. And this is what I have to struggle with, because I am called to be the salt of the earth, the light of the world, and love others with God's love. Yet how can I establish a rapport with these people when I cannot be the way they are? I can't gossip, or talk dirty, or pon class just because and hey, I don't want to, but in the process of keeping myself pure I separate myself from them.
I have a small inkling that maybe this separation is the part that makes me the salt and the light of the earth, and in theory things work out but in practice everything is so much more complicated and honestly, all I can do right now is do what I know is right and trust that God makes all things good in His time. I believe a true, trusting relationship with God brings joy and hope, not cynicism and despair, and I believe I can choose to be cynical or joyful about my circumstances. I choose to be joyful.
JC life is what you make of it, they always say, and I subscribe to that belief. But for a moment, somewhere in between those Lit classes and talks about scholarships and CCA points and people whom you have to make friends with, I lost it. I thought I wouldn't be able to control what I would become. I thought I would get sucked into this life of studying and competition and just doing things for points, points, points, and nothing else, and in the process lose everything that is truly dear to me.
jac was here with you
1/13/2005 04:50:00 pm
YBefore I Sleep--
Two things:
1. When they mean world wide web, they really mean world wide web. The farthest the East is from the West is right next to West.
2. I have been challenged to walk more intimately with my God and to know Him and delight in Him as I never have before. It is a daunting task, but what encourages me in His promise: "Draw close to Me and I will draw close to you."
For bed I depart, to wake up to a new day tomorrow, full of more surprises and blessings from God :)
jac was here with you
1/09/2005 10:51:00 pm
YBy The Way...
"So, what's the book about?" he asks after a moment's silence.
She pauses for just a fraction of a second as she contemplates how to begin. "It's about a man who can time travel...and his wife. And whenever he travels to another time he goes naked."
His brows furrow as he tries to absorb what he has just been told. "There must be two of him at the same time, then, right?"
She considers that. "No..." and they begin a discourse on the possibilities of there being two men at the same time. Halfway through she realises he is right and they fall into silence again.
"Is there an underlying message in the book?"
She looks at him and smiles thoughtfully, hesitatingly. "I guess...waiting."
"Waiting?"
She nods, and closes her face like the book she just read.
jac was here with you
1/08/2005 11:43:00 am
Y[ ]
Sleeeepy...
Medicine is making me drowsy (yes, i'm sick again) but I can't get to sleep because my nose is blocked up and every time I try to breathe through my mouth my mouth dries up and I need to get a glass of water. This happens approximately every 5 minutes, ensuring I never manage to fully doze off to sleep.
Thanks to this flu/fever/cold/whatever, I have missed my orientation week. Humph. I don't like feeling out of things but I there's nothing I can really do about this. They're having campfire today and Lisa and Adora asked me to go but I declined. My lethal concoction of pills will cause me to doze off halfway and who knows what kind of mess an unconscious Jac can spark off.
Feeling a bit nauseous but not as bad as yesterday's. Urghhh.
Ooh, ooh. Brain slowing downnn...
jac was here with you
1/07/2005 02:53:00 pm
YShades of Grey
I wish...I wish I didn't think so much. Wish my mind wouldn't be so caught up with one train of thought as it zooms on by, curling itself round and round in my brain, leaving me far behind in its tracks. Sometimes you don't have to think so much. Sometimes thoughts don't end, they just go on and on and on...
And...
Untangle these twisted cords of thoughts inside this head of mine.
There are other thoughts to be thought, other ideas to be formed, than this one. How I wish I could push it away but it is persistent and troubles me for I think I know the answer yet I am not very sure.
I'm so very tired of thinking.
jac was here with you
1/01/2005 10:10:00 pm