YPost-Exam Activities
Wow! It's been a while :)
Just did my PAE. I chose 1. Hwa Chong Arts, 2. AC Arts and 3. RJ Arts. There were more, but I shan't bore you with the details. My mouse hovered over the 'submit' button before clicking it...I guess it still sort of scares me, even now, going to Hwa Chong. It scares and excites me at the same time, going to a new environment, trusting that it will be the best one for me. I clicked 'submit', and that's that. Hwa Chong Arts.
I've got a job, which is why I haven't been online for a while. It's at CCMC, the church at MGS, and I normally do all the odd jobs--photocopying, organising files (you will be amazed at the amount of paperwork they have to file). The people there are really nice. I work with Debbie's dad, and I am currently trying to figure out how to address him--Mr. Wong? Uncle Gordon? Gordon? So weird.
The only drag is the long-by-my-standard hours, but those working will scoff at me because 9 to 5:30 is like the minimum working hours.
It's interesting, though, working in a church. They have this fantastic photocopier/printer/scanner with which they print out the church bulletin and on Fridays volunteers come in to slot all the sheets of paper into the bulletins. I got to go down and help set up for tomorrow's service, which basically means carrying down the bulletins and posters and offering bags and storing them in the auditorium. It's normally pretty easy but the lift broke down so we had to carry everything down the stairs manually. Next week is Communion, so we might have to carry down the Communion things too. How exciting!
It's funny to work in a place and call everyone by their first names even though they're older than me. They're not very geriatrically old, though, so it makes it less awkward. Though one lady is probably old enough to be my mother; she's got a kid who's sec 1 next year.
I'm very, very glad I got a job here. It makes things a lot more convenient and it helps that it's not too out of my comfort zone, so I still manage to 'rest' and not be so stressed.
It's been good.
jac was here with you
11/27/2004 10:34:00 am
YTime Of Your Life
(Excerpts from Jac's journal)
Wednesday, 20th October 2004
I have studied for Chem prac. S2O3(2-) + 2H(+) --> SO2 + S + H2O. Zinc oxide is yellow when hot, white when cooled. Lead (II) oxide is orange when hot, yellow when cooled. Nitrates melt on heating...
I'm afraid to dream. Afraid they're not in line with what God wants. But I dream. I dream of performing onstage, I dream of reading books...I dream of finding a kindred spirit. I dream of doing something big; something good. And then I send myself crashing down when I think, "I couldn't possibly do that. I'm just me. I'm too normal. Nothing special ever happens to me."
I want to dream big, do big things. But I want You to be with me.
Calculator finally conked out today. Using Jon's calculator tomorrow.
Thursday, 21st October 2004
We had this really weird titration question about potassium iodide and sulphuric acids, and I couldn't tell the colour of the solutions again. But at least chem [is] over and You were with me, Father...
The weird thing is that hardly any gases came out. And we didn't have to heat anything. All that memorising for nothing! ...
One thing you must recognise about this relationship with God: it is not meant to stifle you. If anything, it is to do the opposite. You can feel happy, you can feel sad, you can feel disappointed. You don't have to suppress these feelings or think they are wrong, because God has given them to You.
Accept that you have God's joy, because He wants to give it to You...
The devil uses discontentment [?] to pull us away from God.
I will learn how to be content in all situations.
How great the Father's love for us.
And that is what I will cling on to.
Saturday, 23rd October 2004
It seems tough to get a scholarship. I know I underestimate myself but in all honesty, it's hard to dream big because I'm scared I'll get myself disappointed. And I've always thought nothing fantastic would ever happen to me but here I am, given my pick of the cream of the JC crop and who says that isn't special?
I want to do soooo many things with my future, I want to know I haven't just been mediocre but I've pushed myself to the limits and I'm scared that if I make the wrong choice in whatever I'll be confined to mediocrity my whole life. All this was in my head when I woke up, though not as eloquently expressed, and a fear gripped me. A fear of failure.
Then God reminded me who's really in control. I don't know what my life will be and I may not know in the near future but He does, and He knew it before I made any decisions. Trust. It's trust again. Trust that He will guide me. Surrender my decisions to Him.
I nearly freaked out today because I have chem, bio and SS to do by today and I was so tired in the morning after the AC open house. I really wanted to chuck some stuff to tomorrow but I'd committed the Sabbath to Him. For a moment I struggled. I could stress myself out today or break the promise I gave God tomorrow. And I believe God is telling me that there is a way out. Because I don't have to worry or stress myself out; I just have to do my best and He will provide.
WHICH IS SO SCARY.
At least my tiredness has gone away and now that I've done one chem paper I feel better...I sort of wish I could freak out to make myself feel better but I know I won't be doing myself any favours.
Isaiah 41:31--'But those who hope (wait) in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.'
I saw this verse on the banner hanging over AC's sports complex this morning when we were sitting at the bleachers. It hadn't meant anything to me then but it does now.
Everything I've done, everything I haven't done, Father, I commit to You. Whatever has not pleased You, I repent. And whatever I am doing that pleases You, I rejoice. This last lap scares me, Father--if I aim for Hwa Chong I have things to lose. Lord, I've done this a million times, but I commit this battle to You. I will wait on You, Father, when You tell me to.
2nd Chronicles 20:6-12.
Sunday, 24th October 2004
Hannah brought up the point that the reason why I am trusting God is because I got 6 points for the mid-years and prelims. It took a lot of courage to say it, but I told her I would still praise God even if I didn't get 6 points. I just want to know that I honoured God through my studying.
I may look back at this entry in March with a heart full of sadness and laugh bitterly when I read this but I hope I remind myself that I will praise God despite my results.
Monday, 25th October 2004
Okay. Okay. I will not freak out. I think I've been freaking out about this every day since my prelim results came back. Okay, not that long ago but you get my drift. The freaking out gives me security. But I need not freak out; all this is God's, remember? The battle is not mine, but His.
I'm so scared of stepping out into the unknown.
Tuesday, 26th October 2004
Physics prac went without any major disasters. I finished on time, my hands weren't shaking. You were with me, and I thank You for that.
I woke up late, at 8:30. Actually, I'd been lazing in bed before that, half-awake, when Aunt barged in and went, "It's 8:30!"
At that, I leapt up, out of my bed and raced to the bathroom. I was sooo scared I'd be late. Visions of me being locked out of the room [were conjured] up in my mind...But it's all good in the end.
Wednesday, 27th October 2004
Father, please help me, in the times when I'm tired and stressed out, to care for Your people.
I was going to write that Chang thought I was stressed out last night when I wasn't when I just read the last sentence I wrote before this and it talked about being stressed out. So.
Thursday, 28th October 2004
1. It was prawns. No storage roots, no plant parts, just drawing one dead, grey, half-cooked prawn and food tests.
It was hard eating my prawns for lunch.
2. I have one (1!) day to decide which JC to go to because I have to hand in my humanities scholarship application form tomorrow
3. Today Tash, Nic, Zhen, Adora and I sat down and talked during quarantine period. It was good. I didn't get much work done but then again, life isn't always about work...
Scared for SS again. I keep worrying, Father. It's like habit, like I can't help it. There's nothing I can do even if I worry...O Lord, I'm just scaredscaredscared.
Watched the OC. Ben and Kim are right; I like it.
Monday, 1st November 2004
It seems a bit unreal how my written papers start tomorrow.
I realised last night while talking to Jordan that God has seen me through two weeks of exams, which means I'm halfway through. Definitely a reason to praise Him. Yay! :)
...Esther: "For such a time as this."
God can raise up other people to do His work--the privilege is all ours...
All this coughing had better be giving me some abs.
Tuesday, 2nd November 2004
I freaked out. I freaked out during SS source based. It wasn't on anything I've learnt, but that's not the point. I was writing sense, I know, but I was so worried my sense was not the examiner's sense and the fact that this was my one and only chance to get this right just freaked me out and I didn't want to be there. I was so scared I'd screw it up and even now, I'm scared for English and Lit and generally all my humanities. Sciences are all right because you mug and besides, you're not racing against time. But...I need the a1 for my humanities. For the scholarship...
It's not like prelims, you know. I didn't even bother about prelims. I mean, I did, but it didn't matter that much to me. But O's--it's my last chance! My whole year's work has been geared towards this and I can't bear the thought of failure! It chills me to the bones. I don't know how I will stand the suspense of waiting 4 1/2 months.
The things is, as long as I trust God, I'll be fine. that's the trick. I think Hannah was the one who said, "God knows your beginning and your end. It wouldn't be much trouble for Him to know wha'ts in between." And He knows everything! What I'm going to be when I grow up, where I'll go, who I'm going to meet.
I'm so scared, Lord. I'm so scared I'll freak out tomorrow like I freaked out today and like I freaked out during English Oral. So scared one small freaking out thing can destroy everything I've worked for.
But God tells me not to trust in my own human ability, but in Him. To trust in His power. He knows everything--what tomorrow's paper will bring, and the next, and the next, and what emotions next March will bring.
Lord, let me do this for Your glory. Let me use this God-given intelligence to glorify You. Help me be a good steward of it, help me not covet it, O God, I cry out to You to rescue me from my distress, for I know not what to do[.] Help me fix my eyes on You and take my steps of faith. Father, Abba Father, be faithful, be merciful, O Lord, You will not let me fall. I will trust in Your unfailing love. O Lord, You are to be praised for carrying me this far, for being with me right now and for walking with me in the future. May my life be a testament to Your name because I know without You all my achievements, my hopes, my dreams, are nothing.
...I am friends with the King of Eternity.
Sunday, 7th November 2004
I realised that God's philosophy is very different from the world's. This realisation started to blossom after my talk with Ben on Friday night about work. He made me realise that hard work isn't everything. If God doesn't want you there, He won't put you there. Secondly, I realised that you don't necessarily follow your dreams. As Justin put it, our dreams are good; God gave us dreams because we are made in His Creator image. But somehow along the line this desire to make things, obtain things, became corrupted. And that's when the trouble starts. Contrary to what the world says, dreams don't have to be followed to be lived. I believe underneat every dream is a deep desire for importance, belonging, whatever. And we can find all these things in Christ. Dreams are Godly but "I consider all things a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord."
We give up our dreams to find Christ not to find our dreams, but truly to find Christ and know Him. And He will fulfill our inner desires...
This week has ben filled with a lot of worrying, a lot of discontent. It wasn't a week where my behavious glorified You. For that, I am sorry. But I'm glad I have anothing week to make up for it...Please bless the week ahead, Father.
Joseph had a dream but he didn't work towards that dream. Instead, he worked with the purpose of pleasing God. He was granted the favour of God--the unmerited favour of God--in his master's house, in jail. We walk by faith and we live by grace.
Really puts everything into perspective, doesn't it?...Knowing God changes the way everything looks. 'Cos God operates on different rules.
And anothing thing. Both Joseph and Esther were placed in their positions of power to be a blessing to their people and in Joseph's case, others as well.
Thursday, 18th November 2004
Did every one of my seniors feel like this at this point of time? This delicious feeling of anticipation, a wave of exuberance just waiting to sweep over you and make you yell at the top of your lungs, smile firmly fixed in place, "THIS IS IT! OH MY GOSH, I HAVE ONE PAPER TO GO BEFORE FREEDOM!"
If this is what it's like the day before the end, I wonder what it will be like tomorrow. All I know right now is I'm so thankful, so happy that I'm bursting with joy, every fibre of my being clamouring to do something outrageous to makre the end of one of the milestones in my life.
Milestones? Yes, milestones. I am only sixteen years old, after all. It has been a big event, one where I've learnt a lot about myself and also God's redeeming, loving, merciful character. It's been a bumpy ride, there have been many unsavoury moments, but every second of anguish, of pain, contributes just a little more to the inches I am growing in maturity. And for that I thank God.
jac was here with you
11/21/2004 05:05:00 pm
YA Day In The Life Of...
What I did today:
--1 bio paper
--1 physics paper (I think the publisher cheated me because there were only 20 MCQs instead of 40)
--memorised 'Waltz of the Sugar Plum Fairy' on the guitar (after 3 days of trying)
--read 4 chapters of 'How to Win Friends and Influence People' by Dale Carnegie even though he said not to read it in one shot
--figured out the chords for 'The Way You Look Tonight' on the piano
--used up approximately half a box of tissue for my leaking nose
--sang along as I played 'The Way You Look Tonight' even though my nasal voice makes me sound like a cross between a robot and a man
--filled up 2 pages in my journal
--tried to play 'Free' on the guitar and realised I forgot how to play the chorus. Haha, Ben. But at least I can still do the cool intro thing!
--wondered if the clock in the school hall is slow because there is no way I can write three sides of foolscap paper for Lit in 30 minutes
--listened to 'Furthermore:from the stage' by Jars of Clay
--felt happy for no good reason at all except that 'The Way You Look Tonight' is such a nice song, and I'm halfway through my exams, and tomorrow I get to see civilisation again, and Jon's away torturing Ben, Michelle and Dan (and goodness knows whoever) so I get a rest...and...
It's just sort of nice, sitting here, watching the sun set over this side of the earth. Everything's so quiet and peaceful. The road and the rooftops and the moss growing over the walls are bathed in a soft yellow hue that lends a sort of mysterious quality to the darkness that will soon fall upon this place. The broad green leaves of the plants and trees I see sway gently as the breeze passes, moving to the rhythm of the wind. Time seems to dance by so slowly, licking its lips as it lingers to savour each moment before it is lost.
It is in this peace in which I find myself content, resting here and watching the world pass by. I am, at least for this moment in time, unhurried, not worried about the future or even the present. I peer out of this little box of time in which I have placed myself and see tomorrow and the day after and get a glimpse of the fear, the uncertainty, the alienation I will feel, but these things do not frighten me.
Nothing Cambridge, Hwa Chong, malicious viruses, disobedient skin or absent company throw at me is bigger than my God.
jac was here with you
11/06/2004 05:44:00 pm