YNuclear Exploding Porcupines
"AIYEEEEEEE!!!!"
Witness Gilly's dismayed scream outside the staffroom as she catches sight of me. A nuclear explosion occured in my hair while I was asleep but oddly, I didn't feel a thing.
"Why is this section poofing up more than that one? Are you sure you went to the right hairdresser??" she cries. Meet Gilly, my personal stylist. I love her.
I've been reading a book she lent me called Everybody's Normal Until You Get To Know Them, by John Ortberg, and it's talking about lonely people and how people put up defenses in order to prevent themselves from getting hurt. What's your defense? Attack, or withdraw?
Mine's withdraw. I withdraw from others so there will be no chance of me being hurt. If you don't get close to someone you won't be able to get hurt.
But sometimes you have to get hurt.
There are some people whom the book terms 'porcupines'. These are people who don't allow people to come too close to them--once you get too close, they stab you, just like porcupines.
I think everyone's someone else's porcupine. I can think of how I've been a porcupine to many people because of my fear of getting hurt. I can think of many times when someone has gotten too close and I've stabbed. Sometimes it just comes automatically.
I thank God, though, that some people don't mind getting hurt. That they bravely venture forward to coax me and tame me and show me how they don't mean any harm and slowly gain my trust.
I have a few porcupines in my life, and many times I try to reach out to them but withdraw out of fear. I wish I could be brave enough to touch them, because deep inside, I would know how they feel--how they need a friend in this lonely world.
We were made for companionship. Honey, we don't come by ourselves.
jac was here with you
8/30/2004 03:19:00 pm
YBreak Time!
Guess what, I'm bored and I'm not doing work.
I have Bio and Physics pracs this week...ooh, scary.
Okay, not really. I'm not really scared yet. Not until I get nightmares about how I'm going to get my results back and God's going to pull a trick on me and send me to poly. (Note to self: poly is not that bad. Repeat a hundred times.) No, not even that bad. I'm scared I won't get the results I want and I want to work hard so I can guarantee I'll get what I want except that sometimes revising and revising and revising really bores you.
I mean, gosh, get it over and done with already! Can't wait till the 17th of August. And after that my next milestone will be the 23rd, Longest Day, after which I will get to sleep in forever and ever and never have to wake up at 6:30 ever again! And after that would be the 2nd of October, or whenever my practicals start, and then after that it'll be the 19th, after which I will be freeeeeeeeee!
At least until January. Or March, depending on which JC I go to. ('Cos some JCs start classes before March, apparently.)
You know what's scary? I really hope that it won't be like this for the next 2 years. I cannot stand the thought of have to study every single day of my life until I graduate. And I really don't think God wants me to be miserable for the rest of my life, either. So I have three choices: adjust my attitude towards studying, or adjust my studying habits. Or both. I don't know! If I have to do this much work to get good grades in JC I don't think I can keep it up.
(P.S. Eman just alerted me to a site about JCs: http://www.jcguide.org. Quite funny. Not to be taken seriously ;))
Oh, yes, and I decided not to be bitter. I have had feedback that I'm really good at that whole sarcastic thing, which is not exactly a thing to be proud of, because it makes me seem bitter. So I will not be bitter. Especially about studying. Studying is good. Grades are your friend.
Until my next break time...
jac was here with you
8/22/2004 09:21:00 pm
YDoesn't Hurt To Dream...Does It?
Ronald Susilo lost to the Thai guy. What was it, 15-1, the second set? I didn't watch because a. I was trying to do bio and b. I had this strong sense that we were going to lose and I didn't want to see it.
It got me sort of depressed, though. Why couldn't we have won? It would have been such a memorable Olympics if he'd gotten through to the semis and gotten a medal. You should have heard us during chem (after Mrs. Tan concluded that we needed a break); we were all talking about how he was going to play this afternoon, hoping that maybe, just maybe, he'd beat Thailand and maybe, just maybe, we might finally win something. It didn't hurt to dream big then.
And then as you slowly watch him being crushed by his opponent you can't help but cry out, "please, please, God, couldn't we win this? Couldn't we have a medal? Just this once...It would be so nice to just get one." Slowly as the Thai gains more points you feel hope crashing to the ground...
I wondered, as I lay on my bed, trying to do my bio tys, what the point in trying was when all you do is open yourself up to the prospect of failing. Why give your best when you could fail? Wouldn't it be less painful to not try at all and be satisfied because you never expected anything? Why have goals and dreams and give up things for them when you might never achieve them? I know the feeling of not having accomplished what I wished despite feeling like I gave so much. I can't say, "Oh, y'know, it's okay," because it's not.
And we all know the model answer. "Do everything for God." But you try doing everything for God and see if you can! Humans, we're humans, with selfish desires, supposed to die to them but it takes a while. Oh, yeah.
God gives us dreams, passions, emotions. I don't want to live an emotionless life. I don't want to be able to say, "it's okay," because nothing I do matters to me. I want to be able to say, "It's okay," because...because everything I do does matter but the approval I desire is not yours, or anyone else's besides God's.
jac was here with you
8/18/2004 09:37:00 pm
I dislike school, and that's putting it mildly.
Okay, okay. Jac does not like using strong words because they seem so final, but...I detest school. I abhor it (if that's the right usage of the word). I don't even know why I don't like it specifically but I just know that when I wake up in the morning at 6 am I have a strong urge to go back to sleep and wish I'd never woken up.
What is it? Because I hate (abhor, detest, insert appropriate synonym) waking up at 6 in the morning? Because I hate having to lug all these stupid assessment books to school and do them during whatever free time I have (side point: have people in, say, the US even heard of assessment books? Or is it a uniquely Singaporean thing?)? Because I hate the feeling of being alone despite being surrounded by people practically every moment? I don't know.
What I do know is that I have this deep sense of dread whenever Sunday night rolls around (after Gilmore Girls, typically). And I don't want to go to school on Monday. Wednesday perks me up because it means the next day is Thursday and on Fridays I go ecstatic because I can't wait for cell.
I can't keep on starting each week with the purpose of getting through it. I can't go through life this way, just living for the weekends. I know that's not the way it should be. Weekdays are part of my life just the way weekends are and I should be enjoying them, savouring them, being the person I want to be in them, not all yucky and dragging feet-ish. Pooh.
Something happened this morning that caught me off guard, not in a good way. In a sense, I had expected it but at the same time I didn't want it to be confirmed. I thought my day would go downhill from them but it didn't. It's quite funny what being good at catching a ball can do to you. After P.E., all flushed with pleasure at knowing I'm not completely hopeless at all sports, I realised that it didn't really hurt anymore. It wasn't that it didn't affect me anymore, this issue, but I realised that honestly, it won't matter. In 50 years' time, I won't even remember this.
I had a good day today. ("Are your brains too saturated? Do you need some time to cool down?" asks Mrs. Tan during chem remedial and we break out in laughter not because the joke is funny but because she says them in such a deadpan, unexpected manner and yes, our brains are too saturated.)
jac was here with you
8/18/2004 06:37:00 pm
YSleepless In Singapore
B3! Chinese O's! Joy to the world!
Having trouble sleeping and I know why. You know sometimes you just lie in bed and you're sooo tired but you can't get to sleep because there are so many things buzzing in your head? That's what's happening to me.
"You worry too much," Kaye told me, and I nearly laughed. It is rather humbling to have someone younger than you tell you that. But I do worry a lot, and it's very unnecessary.
In my pursuit of good marks for prelims and o's I worry that my methods of studying aren't the most effective and I worry about what marks I'll get. It's so scaryyyy...until you realise that you know the only person who knows exactly what you get, and you know that He loves you and only wants the best for you.
Then there's nothing else you can do except entrust everything into His hands.
Teach me to love You more...
jac was here with you
8/12/2004 10:59:00 pm
YFrom The Freshly-Cut Hair Girl
We got our prelim timetables today. Fan-tas-tic. Time to start mugging again.
I think I've said this before, but it's scary that I'm not worried or scared or anything and I think I should be doing something (namely, studying), but...I'm not. Not yet, at least. But I will get down to it. Soon.
As soon as I manage to get myself offline.
(Side-point: Jac got a haircut! Hahaha :D It was quite fun, causing a stir in church and in school. Zhen didn't want to look at me anymore and Deanne says I'll regret it but I'm not--not yet. Though I do prefer long hair.)
Beautiful Lord, wonderful Saviour, I know for sure all of my days are held in Your hand, crafted into Your perfect plan.
Perfect: flawless, no mistakes. Hear that? No mistakes. All I have to do is take His hand and let Him lead me.
jac was here with you
8/02/2004 04:42:00 pm