YAre You Who You Want To Be?
Just when you thought you had the tricky monster under control, Pride comes right back and slaps you in your face.
Ah, a lot of things we have yet to learn about this sin. And as we learn, we grow.
Growing is a painful process.
In other news, Jac got her report book back, and this is what her form teacher said about her: "Jacqueline is a highly motivated and determined girl who knows what is important in life..."
There was more, but what struck me was that. 'Highly motivated', 'determined'? So that is what people see me as? I'm sure these are good qualities to have. But I thought about it and wondered, "Is that it? So people think I'm this go-getter who knows what she wants?" (Which, by the way, is the biggest joke of the century because I am the most indecisive person I've ever met.)
In the world, these characteristics would be sought after. But they're not what I want to be the most outstanding things about me.
I suppose I am being a little overanalytical, but it's food for thought. What kind of person do I want to be seen as?
jac was here with you
5/27/2004 05:45:00 pm
YBlessed Child Of God
The past few days, God has been showing me how blessed I am.
He's shown me how He can bless me with so much and how I can be so blind to it all. It struck me on Friday, as I got back my results. They were fantastic. Honestly, they were. And I was so amazed, you know. Like, "why me, God?" Just in awe of what He's given me. And as I basked in my happiness and surprise, I realised that He's truly given me a lot to be thankful for. A family that cares, friends who love me, talents and experiences that teach me and help me grow.
I guess after being stuck in this huge self-pitying rut for sooo long, it just took that to make me wake up and realise that He's not sadistic; He loves me. It took a blessing to help me taste more of His wonderful love and see His goodness.
Things have happened since Friday and I've been struggling to trust that He knows what is best for me. Struggling with pride over my results and with surrendering my future into His hands.
In this period of time when He seems so silent and yet so audible, I'm learning to trust Him more and more.
Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.
Matt 7:13-14
jac was here with you
5/25/2004 08:06:00 pm
YHe Knows My Name
I have a Maker,
He formed my heart.
Before even time began,
My life was in His hands.
He knows my name
He knows my every thought.
He sees each tear that falls
And hears me when I call.
I have a Father,
He calls me His own.
He'll never leave me
No matter where I go.
Please don't leave me, Father.
jac was here with you
5/24/2004 09:26:00 pm
YGroundbreaking News Of Sorts
Jac's going to the US! :) Jac's going to get on a plane for the first time in, what, 4, 5 years, and escape hot and humid Singapore for two weeks in Richmond and Vienna, VA! (That's in Virginia, by the way)
Aaaaand...Jac's gonna look for her Founder's Day dress there and if she doesn't find it she'll get the 99% perfect peach Daniel Yam one (if they still have it by the time I come back).
Haha...and that's really all Jac has to say right now.
(P.S. I'll be there from the 9th to the 22nd of June, in case you were wondering :))
jac was here with you
5/18/2004 07:07:00 pm
YPost-Exam Nonsense
Feel like going insane now that exams are over. Not crazy insane, just fun insane. But I can't.
Because I still have schoooool. And I still have stuff to doooo...
And decisions to make...
Things to face up to; things I don't necessarily want to do. Guidance I need to seek; answers I don't exactly desire to hear.
The weekend's been great for me; a much needed rest after exams. It's been fun and it's been good. I wish I could have spent time with more people, though. Spoken to them, caught up with them. I wish school and work and things we have to do didn't consume so much of our life.
Funny. Exercise really is a mood-lifter. As much as I hate running (no negative thoughts, Jac. positive thinking!), it does lighten my mood. Wonder if it'll do so later.
jac was here with you
5/16/2004 05:38:00 pm
YSHOPPING!
So exams are over. And guess what I did Wednesday afternoon after CC meeting, when I was officially free? I fell asleep. Haha...what a waste of an afternoon. But it was a good sleep.
Went out with Ben, Jolene, Teri, Cheryl, Debbie and Joseph yesterday. They all came to help me look for a Founder's Day dress.
It was pretty fun. I found a nice gown from Daniel Yam (of all places; everyone told me not to get it from there because I end up with the same dress as someone else) but I don't know if I'll get it. Nevertheless, it cheered me up. I haven't gone to Orchard Road to have fun for soooo long! I loved the look on Ben's face whenever I went into a shoe shop instead of a dress shop. Like, "JAC! What are you DOING?! FOCUS!" Hahahaha...Never accompany a girl who hasn't gone shopping for a long time to Orchard Road.
Exams are over, and it's a little weird to actually have nothing to do. I told myself I'd start studying Chinese so I should. But it's actually the first Saturday when I don't have to sit down in the afternoon to mug.
I'm enjoying my new found freedom; I don't think I will be bored this June because as usual, there are school-things to do and church-things to do and friend-things to do. And there are also God-things to do.
I've been reading the Purpose-Driven Life by Rick Warren. It's a very good book and it's helped me in my walk. I guess one of the things that struck me was the part about how God can get bored with us sometimes. Like how He would prefer us to speak our mind instead of saying what we think we ought to say. In other words, how He would prefer us to be honest and sincere with Him instead of being hypocritical.
I'm guilty of that, I know. Sometimes I do care too much about what other people think and sometimes I do act 'holy' because I know I'm supposed to.
I've been thinking about worship and how I worship Him. I know there are times when I can't worship Him properly. Despite the fact that worship is supposed to be all about Him and nothing about us, sometimes I get too caught up with the things of this world to see how wonderful He is. And so I can't worship Him. And then because I'm expected to, I just do, which is basically lying, isn't it?
I guess, like everything else, it takes time, this relationship with a God you can't see but can feel. I want to know so much more of Him, but at the same time, I can't be bothered. Funny, isn't it?
Jeremiah 29:13-14.
jac was here with you
5/15/2004 03:20:00 pm
YAlmost There
Two days to the end of exams.
I have Chinese and History tomorrow. Today was Bio and A math, and it totally sucked. Couldn't remember anything.
It's been a weird few days. Having mood swings and stuff and half the time I don't really feel like studying, so I don't, and I think the consequences are going to reveal themselves once exam results get round. But I do feel burnt out--like I can't be bothered anymore.
Two days...
jac was here with you
5/10/2004 08:19:00 pm