YA Rose By Any Other Name...
AHHAHAHAHAHAH!
Anyway. My exams started yesterday. Today's Social Studies paper was horrible. I didn't finish in time and I couldn't remember everything. After it all I just sort of sat there and wanted to act all ice maidenish to make myself feel better (i get a kick out of scaring the juniors by pretending to be all cold--but I doubt they notice) but then I figured it wouldn't really make me feel better.
Tried to figure out endothermic and exothermic reactions with Zhen and upon concluding that we would have no success until Mrs. Tan helped us, went home. Tried to do bio but was too hungry. Then was supposed to do history but was too sleepy. So I took a nap.
Actually, I wasn't asleep. I was sort of trying to fool myself into pretending that i was asleep so I wouldn't have to do my work. I think I did that for about an hour, and then my stupid conscience got the better of me, so I psycho-ed myself into liking history (I really do; I just don't like studying it), read up on the Yalta and Potsdam conferences, did a bit of physics, and, believe it or not, slacked the rest of the day away.
I mean, I had allocated those subjects to today, and once I completed it, I was free to slack, just that it was really weird because I've never actually had time to slack.
So I read, and I ran, and I watched TV and went online and all the while I have this nagging feeling of guilt in my mind. Like, "You have so much free time, why aren't you studying? You have physics prac tomorrow, don't you think you should be doing something?"
I really don't know. I mean, I told myself there wasn't any point studying for Social Studies yesterday if I don't feel like it and then I went and messed up today's exam.
I just finished reading Ecclesiastes. It was rather apt for the exam period. "Everything is meaningless", over and over again. "You're going to die, anway. Rich man, poor man, wise man, fool, they all meet the grave and their achievements will be worth nothing."
The solution? "Fear God and obey His commands."
jac was here with you
4/27/2004 09:56:00 pm
YThe Morning After
Dance Night was good. I think we sold out :)
Got flowers even though I didn't dance, which was a nice gesture from my friends. "For someone who didn't dance, you sure got a lot of flowers," Ben told me.
I got a bouquet from Mrs. Ang. It was very unexpected.
Lost my voice. It's been reduced to a whisper and my mum has grounded me. So no track meet, no humanities quiz, no worship practice, no talking on the phone, no jamming session tomorrow...my weekend has been RUINED. My weekend has been reduced to mugging to make up for all the time I didn't mug over the week.
Jac is on a melancholy track. Stay away, everyone :)
Okay, but about Dance Night. It was good. Really, really good. The MG dancers rule. Yeah, we do :) No other CCA can sell out 1000 seats. Last night, just before Sam's dance, I went backstage and stood with Kim and Alicia in the wings. We looked out at the crowd and at the dancers on stage and as we did I just felt a whole flurry of emotions pass through me.
Bittersweet. The three of us joined dance together and through these 3 1/4 years we've grown--apart, different, better in some ways. We aren't the friends we were in sec 1--but, then again, I guess we aren't the people we were in sec 1. It's a sort of reversal of roles, I suppose. I know I'm not what I wanted to be in sec 1.
"You always seem so driven, like you know what you want," Mrs. Ang had told me.
But then, do I know what I really want? What will really make me happy?
jac was here with you
4/17/2004 07:44:00 pm
YRegrets? Plenty.
I skipped school today because I'm sick. There's this lump of phlegm in my throat that is making me feel horrible because i can't hack it out. It just sticks there. At least it's better than last night, though. I'd stayed back to help with the Dance Night decor and returned home at 9:30 pm with the vilest splitting headache. Had dinner and watched tv for the first time this week (American Idol--the last time i watched it was, what, a month ago?), and moaned and groaned to my parents (and Gilly) about how horrible I was feeling. And then I went to sleep, but not before telling my mum I didn't want to go to school the next day.
So I'm not in school! And I didn't have to drag myself out of my bed at 6 am in the morning and stumble like a drunkard to the bathroom to get ready! AHAHAHAHAHA!
But I have to go back to school this afternoon because it's Dance Night and I'm the runner. ("The runner!" My mum had exclaimed. "Where are you running to?") Which kinda sucks because I'd rather dance but because I was too stubborn and because of my op, I'm not dancing. (But then again, it would suck even more if I were dancing and fell sick, wouldn't it?)
So tonight is Dance Night, the night that all the dance girls (except I) have been waiting for. The Sec 4s' item, Sam's item and the alumni item are the ones to look out for, because they're really good. I've seen them all about a billion times and I really do feel proud of my friends, who've improved so much. I also feel a slight pang of envy as I watch them on the stage for the very last time in their secondary school life. Mrs. Ang (and every other single person) was right; it's my last year--wouldn't I want to make it memorable, wouldn't I want to dance? But no, I was too stubborn and stupid and fueled up in my anger (it's a long story) and so I refused to. And then I had to go for the op, which gave me no choice, so I couldn't dance...
As I watched my friends dance during tech and full dress I kicked myself mentally. I wanted to be up there. I should be up there.
Anyway, all that's past.
I'm looking forward to the end of this week. After Dance Night there's track & field meet (thank goodness I'm not a cheerleader either) and HC's humanities quiz (I'm in the audience). The humanities quiz sounds interesting and I am going, by hook or by crook. No lousy sickness is going to stop me. It's in a gameshow format, this mix of jeopardy and goodness know what else, so it should be quite interesting.
And after that....
One week of mugging and mid-years start. The funny thing is that I'm not really that concerned about mid-years. In the grand scheme of things, mid-years are insignificant compared to prelims and o's.
jac was here with you
4/16/2004 10:11:00 am
YMartha-ism
I've just realised I've gotten really busy. This week has been this huge, tiring week for me (and I know I've begun to say this every week). It's like I wander through the day half-awake, forcing myself to stay awake, doing what I have to do, and when night comes I fall into my bed and fall asleep, but rest seems so fleeting. It seems like just a second later I awake to a new day.
The weird thing is that this week was the week after the concert. I thought I'd be a whole lot freer after the concert but I'm not. I realised that the only thing I really do is study, which is really sad. I've been feeling like I haven't been doing enough for God, and I really do want to seek Him out but at the same time I'm so tired. It's just that...there's so much more of Him to know...but I'm just too tired...
Hannah gave us this article about managing our time yesterday during cell and it really helped. It talked about prioritising and how very often we push aside the important things for the things that seem more urgent at that moment. Like studying for the test the next day instead calling up a friend who's troubled and showing you care.
I don't mean that we should just blow off all our studies and talk on the phone all day. The article reminded me to be sensitive to God's leading and to pay attention to what He wants us to do, instead of what we have to do. Like we hear so often, once we centre our lives around God, everything else will fall into place.
Centring our lives around God's will, like Jesus did. Imagine--there were so many people to heal, to minister. How did He cope? How did He manage to not break down amidst everyone pulling Him in different directions?
Jesus prayerfully waited God's instruction. Early in the morning He would spend time with His Father, listening to what God had to say. Jesus didn't heal every single cripple on the face of the earth. But when He died, He died with the satisfaction of knowing He had completed God's work.
So many times I feel unfulfilled at the end of the day. Every day I come home, do my homework and study. Sometimes I'm so tired I can't do QT properly. And lately I've been feeling like He hasn't been speaking to me. He hasn't been present in my life.
Maybe He doesn't want me to be so preoccupied with doing. He just wants me to sit at His feet and listen.
jac was here with you
4/03/2004 08:12:00 pm