YPre-School Jitters
I will sing of Your mercy that leads me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy.
And that's really all that is. Worshipping and thanking God for every day and everything it brings. Which is hard, but reaps so many rewards.
School's starting. Today I got paranoid about O's after talking to Zhen. The stupid girl is so smart. :P So I'm planning my study schedule to calm myself down. Note: not because I am a goody-goody or a studying freak (I hate studying, for the record), but because if I don't I will drive myself mad.
I got home at 11 last night and Mum was really, really angry. I guess I could understand why. I do understand why. Because I'd been out since, what, 9 am, and I didn't answer her calls or anything even though she'd given me her spare handphone (p.s., everyone, please don't message there often because it's not mine. Sometimes my mum takes it!). So she got worried, and it was 11 by the time everything ended, and to cut an already long story short, my curfew now is 10 pm because my mum doesn't like not knowing where I am and how I'm getting back.
And so I don't know if I get to go to the Prayer and Planning retreat this weekend. I don't know if I even should because lately I have been pushing the limits concerning my parents. Somehow I don't feel as if I deserve to ask to go.
Will pray.
jac was here with you
12/31/2003 06:51:00 pm
YFree Falling
Certain, Father? Not certain at all.
The past few days I've known how it feels to be so close to You, to know of Your goodness and Your peace. And yet, Father, I still need to know You more.
Just when everything seems to be going right, suddenly everything goes wrong and I, I...
I-don't-know-what-to-do.
jac was here with you
12/27/2003 04:53:00 pm
YReminiscing
At least my insomnia had some use. I spent about two-and-a-half hours searching the net for a new template and i've got one :) It's very pretty. From 1greeneye.
It seems like today's the very first free day ('free day' meaning that I don't have to go anywhere in the afternoon. That i have time on my hands to do whatever I want) I've had in a very long time. I'm relishing the time I am spending on the computer and the time I have to do up everyone's presents and cards. It's a nice, relaxing feeling.
I read through my journals last night when I couldn't sleep. Actually, I was looking through some stuff Daniel'd sent me about the prayer & planning retreat two weeks from now and he asked us question: Have you grown in Christ over the past year? What experiences have contributed to this growth? I couldn't quite remember, so I took out my journals and looked through it.
And I'm actually quite amazed at how I've changed. I mean, if you compare my current journal and my previous journal (circa Jan '03), they're pretty different. The things I write about are different. My priorities have changed.
I looked through and realised I didn't change very much in the first half of the year. I was going through this depressive phase because I didn't feel like I could fit in with my class. Most of my close friends were all in a different classes and me being this clingy person (I was clingy!), I was afraid I'd drift from them. And I did.
I don't really know the turning point for sure, but I think it was when God slowly started removing me from dance. The whole dance president thing. It made me open up. Because up until then I'd been hurt and I'd told myself I'd never open up to anyone because I didn't see the point. I think that was when I started talking--to Mum, to Shirin, to Gilly. It's funny, because while it taught me the only person I could rely on was God, it also made me rely on people. No man is an island. There's a reason why God made Eve.
And then I quit ballet. That was a huge step for me, because I know I'll always love to dance. You might think this is a ridiculous reason, but I quit ballet because I believe God wanted me to. It's as simple as that.
I think the period of trying to decide if I should was the worst time I've ever had in my life. Michelle says the times when we feel we are far from God and when we are seeking him are, in retrospect, the times when we were closer to Him. I'm not sure about that in this instance, but I remember it was after exams, and we were going through papers. Everyone was pretty happy, but I remember coming home every day and crying out, "Why? Are you sure?"
And then I remember the day I made the decision and called up the YMCA and told them I was quitting. The next day I came back from school and realised I didn't have to think about it anymore because I'd already decided.
But it's so hard, and lately I've pleaded with Him to let me take it up again. And then Justin reminded me about Abraham and Isaac--Isaac wasn't bad, but God still asked Abraham to sacrifice him to prove that he put God in first priority. Isaac, through whom Abraham was supposed to have descendants as numerous as the stars! And just when Abraham was about to sacrifice Isaac God gave him a ram (or sheep or something) in Isaac's place. Just when Abraham had committed himself to killing Isaac, God stopped him.
And so it is with me. Even though I've quit ballet for about one and a half months, to me it is still very much alive. I'm still hoping that it'll come back. But maybe God has greater plans. He sees it in a perfect way and unless I can stop seeing ballet in the way I do now, I will never be able to see it His way.
The Christian faith is full of paradoxes and ironies. In order for Isaac to live, Abraham had to be committed to killing him. In the same way, in order to get dance back, I must destroy it.
I don't know if I'll ever get dance back. But I know that I've got to admit that it's gone right now. And this is my way of doing it. I thought I could keep it a secret and let everyone just believe that I'm still dancing but that was wrong. Since sec 1 everyone has known me as a dancer. Now I'm not. I'm a person, I'm God's child.
As I was looking through my journals last night, I realised how often I talked about dance. And then I realised that quitting dance has freed me to concentrate on other things, namely God.
jac was here with you
12/19/2003 04:23:00 pm
Insomnia. I hate it. Awake at 2:00 = eyebags.
Random thought for the day as I was watching the animated version of Mr. Bean: Do you think that if your clone suddenly appeared right in front of you, you would know it was your clone?
The real question is: Are you sure you know what you look like?
I'm not sure I know what I look like, which is rather ironic, isn't it? Considering everyone knows you by your face.
jac was here with you
12/19/2003 02:31:00 am
YThe Christmas Spirit
I've been Christmas shopping. The 'spirit' of Christmas is thick in the air. Red and green decorations, shimmering balls and other things, Christmas carols playing in the shopping centres, slowly permeating your consciousness.
The spirit of Christmas, according to the world, is giving.
Not that that's wrong. Just that don't you think it plays right into their hands? The spirit of Christmas is giving. So I must give. Therefore I will scour the whole of orchard road for the perfect gift for that loved one and while I'm doing that, why don't i take advantage of those incredible offers from all the shops and buy more things?
All right. Those people who are riding high on the wave of Christmas and don't want their yuletide fervour to be disrupted, stop reading here.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think the spirit of Christmas is giving and having a fuzzy feeling. It's thanksgiving. Christmas came about because of the birth of Jesus Christ, whose life purpose was not to teach others or to heal people (even though He did). He was born so He could give His life away in exchange for ours. That's sort of morbid, but it's the way it is. He became the one perfect sacrifice for all the sins that we have committed due to our inborn wickedness. Therefore, in our joy and gratitude for this gift, we give thanks.
Christmas is our way of commemorating Jesus' birthday. All the gifts we give should, rightfully, be given to Jesus. All honour should be showered upon Him.
Despite saying all this, Jac still scours the shops for Christmas present just because she has to. :) sigh. Hypocrisy, you yell. I found myself hating myself (is that grammatically correct?) for dragging my lazy butt out there to look for presents, just because "I have to". Cos i knew who were giving me presents and it wouldn't be nice if i didn't give them presents back. And I think I was just in a bad mood on that day.
I guess what i'm saying is that giving presents is not bad, but to me, it's not the essence of Christmas.
Oh, and I found an interesting site about this.
(p.s. i'm sorry if everything that comes out of my mouth seems to be full of doom and gloom)
jac was here with you
12/18/2003 09:08:00 pm
YShoesshoesshoesshoes...
I bought my shoes! They are nice but as my mum paid for it I kept wondering, "should i have gotten the wedge-heel ones instead? Because I won't trip in those. Or should I have gotten the brown ones? The details are more obvious. And what happens if they don't match with anything I have? Or if they're too formal? What if I just stash them in the cupboard until next year because I never find a right time to wear them and then by that time I'd have grown out of them? Are they the right size? Should I have gotten the bigger ones, because they fit me perfectly now, but what if my feet grow?"
And on and on...
But I bought them anyway, and they look pretty when I wear them and I feel like a cat, tiptoe-ing around. They're jet black, and very simple, and although you can't see the patterns embossed on the sole of the shoe unless you look very carefully, I like them. Now I have to grow my nails nicely because they are horrendous. I mean, my nails, all bruised and broken (as Dan so fascinatedly points out), are fine in my old red velvet slippers from Alicia, but they are just not fit to wear this pair of heels.
It's my grandmother's present to me. She approves of them :) Thank you, Mama!
jac was here with you
12/11/2003 05:10:00 pm
YHm...
Referring to Dean's comment on the post below:
Jealousy? Hm, that's new. I'd never actually thought of that. Was I jealous? It seems so stupid to be jealous, though. But then again, I do stupid things.
jac was here with you
12/09/2003 11:47:00 am
I have survived Sarimbun! Icky toilets and late nights and early mornings and pools of death/slides of doom and all...
I don't really know what to say. I can say that I am pretty messed up about everything. Not just about God, everything in general.
All right, everything ties back to God.
I've been realising that all these things (problems?) I have, they would all go away if I just let go of God and if I just forget about doing what was right in His eyes.
You know what, I don't think I found God during camp. Not that that was a bad thing. I learnt a lot during camp and I realised how proud I am. I thought I'd conquered that already but it came back. It went away with the dance president-ship but it came back with new responsibilities and I guess it's always like that. Once i have something I feel like I have to prove I'm indispensible and that's when all the trouble starts.
Proud because I'm (usually) always right, proud because I hold a certain post, proud because I can do this...rebuking others because of pride and not out of love. I was guilty of that this evening during carolling practice. Sometimes I wonder if I can ever do right. Oh, hold on. I can't. At least, not without God.
I didn't get any concrete evidence from God, but I did get faith, and that's why I'm starting again. I'm trusting in Him and trying to listen to Him. During camp I tried to seek Him but I realised that I couldn't do that if I didn't believe He exists (Hebrews 11:6). So now I do.
Melvin/Justin was right: this camp was less emotional than the others. Okay, I've only been to one other camp but this one was very different. It seemed like everything I did was rational, and not based on God's prompting. In fact, half the time I didn't feel His prompting. I knew how wonderful He was, and I felt so grateful towards Him, but apart from an electric shiver down my spine (which I never thought of until Joey mentioned), nothing.
I was hurt that God didn't touch me when He seemed to be touching everyone else. I still don't understand. Dan says that I'm growing and maybe I'm learning to experience Him in a different way. I don't know. Right not I'm not experiencing Him at all. No, that's not true. I talk to Him, and I see Him in other people's lives but I yearn for something deeper, more intimate. I yearn to hear Him like Samuel did. I want to be so close to Him that when I sin, I will feel remorse as deep as David's in Psalm 51. I can't even give up something properly; it keeps coming back to haunt me!
Kah Yoke asked me about tongues the other day. I checked out some websites on it. Apparently women aren't supposed to speak in tongues, according to one website (i just scanned the contents of 3 websites because right now i'm very sleepy). And not all Christians believe that speaking on tongues exists now. I wonder what my church's stand on it is. I've never actually heard anything about tongues from my church.
It was Chang's birthday yesterday. Happy birthday :) I was thinking, I just might go to AC. Where else would I go?
Oh, yeah: do you guys think I look like an SC girl? So weird. Hands up to those who do. At least it's SC. SC's not a bad school :) Good dancers.
jac was here with you
12/09/2003 01:13:00 am