YRandom Musings
There's a melody playing in my head that needs a guitarist. The poet shall try to write.
Please buy funfair tickets from me. Between my mum and I, we have three booklets (i.e. $300) and if we don't sell it by this week we're probably going to have to buy them. And if we don't raise $500,000 my LTC group will be soooo discouraged. We went around scaring people in the canteen, wearing these sandwich boards. "Have YOU sold your funfair tickets yet?" I'm sorry everyone we irritated. It felt stupid, but then again, today I felt like acting stupid, like waving my hands in time to the music during Chinese talentime (we were bored!)--it's not often you see a prefect doing that.
Ahh, it probably wasn't a very good example to set.
Thanks Gilly and Dan and Chang for making me feel better yesterday (even though you probably didn't know you were doing it). :)
jac was here with you
10/27/2003 04:37:00 pm
YTripping Up
Once in a while, after a long, long while, you feel as if there's a certain rhythm to things. Things seem to bounce along nicely; you feel that you could take on anything. It feels good. You're comfortable doing whatever you're doing, and you're happy that things turn out as planned--sometimes even better.
Once in a while, you trip over something. It's usually a small something that is actually of no consquence but you stumble and you bite the dust and suddenly, you realise you're not so perfect, or invincible anymore. That you're actually weak and stupid.
That something happened yesterday, and I only realised this today. It wasn't much; I was just pushed out of my comfort zone. But it bothered me and clung (clinged?) to me and made me feel like a failure.
The thing is, I'm just this small person and I can't do much. I thought I could but I can't. When troubles came I wanted to wade through them on my own strength but at the end of the day I realised my own strength is limited. I couldn't do it on my own.
I'm sorry I didn't cling to You the way I should have. I'm sorry I thought I was strong enough and pushed You aside. I didn't realise it then but I do now and I know that it'll take a while before my faith grows. It'll take a while before I can fix my eyes on You and You alone, ignoring everything else.
I guess now the only thing I can do is shoulder on and face the world.
jac was here with you
10/26/2003 11:20:00 am
YAn Afterthought
When you make conversation with a person and ask the person questions, are you asking them because you're genuinely interested or because you feel awkward just standing around?
jac was here with you
10/25/2003 04:08:00 pm
(I'm not sure if I've said this before but anyway.)
Have you ever been in that situation where you want to talk to someone but you just can't? It's an unusual situation. One where you'd like to talk but your head is completely devoid of any topic of interest. (The person you're usually talking to is a friend or an acquaintance. Not a close friend.) It's not that there's nothing to talk about, actually. You have to find a topic which is not too personal, yet not too general (e.g. the weather) and when you're thinking of all these things you're usually quiet. So you don't talk.
It's funny. Do you talk about stupid things with your friends? And what would be a stupid thing, anyway? And if someone asks you about dance do you say, "Oh, it's all right," and just leave it as that and wait for another topic to come up? Or do you really tell that person what you really feel about it? (Or, you could ask, "How do you know I'm in dance?" but that won't amount to anything) What if that person's practically a stranger? That's the problem, isn't it?
Someone should write a book about it. Talking 101. It will fly off the shelves. In an age where communication across the globe is instant and there are more ways of communication than ever before, i find it ironic that i can't find a topic that will allow me to spend 5 minutes talking to someone.
jac was here with you
10/25/2003 01:53:00 pm
YResults
I got a C5 for Chinese. A C5! That does it; I'm going to start reading Chinese books over the holidays. :P
Mostly got a2s, which is not too bad. I'm just glad I didn't fail.
jac was here with you
10/23/2003 10:54:00 am
YThe Day Before The End
'Doomsday is near. Die all, die merrily'. That is probably the only quote from Henry IV Part 1 that my friends and I will ever remember after we've left school.
Tomorrow we get our papers back. They give us everything all in one shot so that "we won't know which paper to cry for", as Audrey put it succinctly.
"Well, at least then we won't waste tears," I replied, and dipped my bead into the glaze. We had been glazing the clay (Aiken...haha...thank Yue-Yi for that corny pun) beads we're planning to sell for the VSA (Very Special Arts) during Fun Fair day.
What's done is done, I guess. I'm trying not to think about it. Today during A Math Mrs. Ang told us the MSG and showed us the bar chart for the A Math results. It was really funny but also quite sad. Our MSG is 6.something, which means that our average grade across the level is a C6. Now if you think that's sad, 25% of our cohort failed. You look at the bar chart and see the short a1, a2, b3, b4, c5, c6, d7, e8 bars in varying lengths (but still quite short) and then when you get to the f9 one, WHOA! It shoots right up. Kim and I sort of started giggling, which wasn't very nice.
I put up my hand and asked, "Have other cohorts gotten results this bad?"
You could sort of tell she was trying to say no in a very nice way.
Practically all the teachers have made it clear that we didn't do as well as expected. I guess...what can we say? We've never had a major Bio, Physics, Chem, Social Studies or A Math exam before. Okay, so we didn't do too well for the other subjects either...
Oh, well. I'd blame it on having no mid-years.
Tomorrow shall be a very interesting day.
In other matters, I am never going to work with Flash ever again after this prefects' website gets set up. I don't want to hear the phrase, 'motion tween' ever again, along with others...
'Bread and butter' (Mrs. Ong, Mr. Loh), 'sets of threes' (Mrs. Ong), 'characterisation' (Miss Ng), 'In x' (Ms. Tan and the countless other math teachers we've had...hate In, hate In, hate In...) and 'manganese IV oxide' (Mrs. Tan, Mr. Tay). But it's unlikely I will ever get rid of these terms because I'm stuck with these subjects and teachers for another year. Oh, well. It's not that bad.
jac was here with you
10/22/2003 05:48:00 pm
YStudaying
I think I could fail Bio. I guess that's not too bad. I mean, as long as I don't have to take a re-test. I don't think I want to look at the Bio textbook for the rest of the year but they've already scheduled classes next week for us to catch up with the syllabus. I DON'T WANT TO STAY BACK FOR BIO!
There was an article in Today about stressed-out Primary kids. That's really sad. I mean, they're in primary school, for goodness' sake! They're stressed out about four subjects. What's going to happen when they get into Secondary school, and they have to contend with up to 10 subjects?
There something in this somewhere...could it be that the government should stop emphasising on meritocracy? It's backfiring on them. People killing themselves is not exactly a very good indication of a policy working. However, this begs the question: then what should the government do?
jac was here with you
10/20/2003 03:38:00 pm
Ahhh! I don't want to see my answers! I don't want to go through all the stuff I got wrong! :P After this is Bio and ohmygosh that was such a bad exam. I don't want to know I failed.
Papers come back on Thursday.
Oh, the heck with it. Who cares.
jac was here with you
10/20/2003 11:36:00 am
YHaving No Life
I have to get a job.
I have to find something, anything, that will occupy my time. I am not going to spend two months lazing around in front of a book, t.v. or computer for a whole day because there is nothing to do. Like today and the two days before.
Ahhh! I know I'm sad; everyone else is out, partying like there's no tomorrow because our exams are over, and what am I doing? Staying at home. Somebody, please do something, anything, to release me from the grip of boredom!
jac was here with you
10/18/2003 05:03:00 pm
YComments
(referring to the post below)
Emode's pretty accurate except that i really suck at writing poetry (but i'm getting better with practice...i hope) and i don't mind too much work. The weird thing about me is that I have to have some responsibilities to feel like i belong somewhere, and I don't totally freak out when I get too much work...I think (though others may beg to differ). In fact, sometimes I think it's the laid-back attitude I have towards being a prefect that makes Ms. Bong wonder why she allowed me to be in the Comm.
But, hey, poet. Cool.
jac was here with you
10/17/2003 02:02:00 pm
Your personality is actually determined by two personality sub-types - your primary, or dominant sub-type, and your secondary sub-type. You are a Poet which means you are a Thinker / Golden Your primary sub-type is defined by "Thinker" characteristics and your secondary sub-type is defined by "Golden" characteristics.
That means you're complex and artistic with a rich inner life. Chances are you're a bit shy and quiet, and you enjoy peaceful, comfortable environments. You're an interesting person to know, full of insights and inspiration, even though you're sometimes hesitant to express them.
How do we know all this? How do we know that you enjoy intense one-on-ones or small, intimate dinner parties? Or that you might not make friends all that easily, but that you relish the ones you have? How could we have divined that you don't like to juggle too much at work and can get stressed out by major job upheavals?
Because while you were taking the test, you answered four different types of questions — questions that measured confidence, apprehension, willingness to take risks, and your focus on experience versus appearance — the primary traits that determine your personality. Based on your responses, we determined your personality type, Poet.
jac was here with you
10/17/2003 01:59:00 pm
YLight Thoughts
Feeling much lighter. Ahhh! I should be getting into bed. I really should.
Tomorrow I'm going to see Madame Butterfly with Kim and Tash. The ballet, not the musical. I had a nap today. I came to the conclusion, therefore, that I cannot survive on 6 hours of sleep. I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. It's just so funny. It's marking day! I should be going out and y'know, not even caring.
Thank you, Big Cow, for talking to me. It helped a lot. I think i overreacted like i usually do but thank you for setting me straight. I have a lot to learn and I'm glad you guys will be there for me.
jac was here with you
10/15/2003 10:22:00 pm
Why would anyone want to read a journal, much less my journal? I'm the least interesting-looking person in the world!
It's nice that people are asking me about it, though. Though I can't help thinking they must know something I don't. Or else why are they taking such an interest in it?
Maybe they are just being nice, Jac.
jac was here with you
10/15/2003 10:16:00 am
YRattling Bones
You know, despite knowing that unofficially, my exams were over, I walked out of the hall today with a sense of euphoria that wasn't euphoria.
I didn't scream, didn't even laugh, just smiled--once--at Adora as i passed her, and quietly picked up my bag to go. (And it had nothing to do with the fact that we had to keep quiet as we filed out of the hall) I'm trying to figure it out, too. I thought it would be wonderful to get rid of exams but now that everything's almost over it's just weird, not studying and actually having free time. I went to the library to borrow books and I'm reading Leo Tolstoy's Hadji Murat. Normally I speed through books but with this one i'm not even halfway through. Well, no harm taking more time.
Maybe it was good, having exams. Because it became like an excuse. "Oh, I won't do this today because I have exams and I have to study." But now I can't use that phrase anymore and so I suddenly find myself with lots of things to do.
Naturally, I made a list. Nothing like a good list to calm you down, but I find myself procrastinating again.
I'm so contradictory. I hate being restless, with nothing to do. Being busy is part of what makes me me. But then again, I loathe work. Give me a chance and I'll spend the whole day lying around reading. I take shortcuts. I'm so lazy I'd rather stay at home than go out with my friends. Therefore, I will be spending my marking days at home. (But I would like to go out. Just that it takes so much effort...)
About a week ago, something that had been bothering me for a long while was rattling in its cage in that secluded part of my mind it lives in. I let it out and wrote about it to my friend. I read her reply yesterday and it confused me even more.
...Did it?
It was about hearing God's voice. My friend pointed out that the devil could be prompting me to do something instead of God prompting me, but it didn't seem right. She said that if there was any doubt in my mind, it wouldn't be God because we know His voice.
I thought it over and this is my reply. I actually called her up and talked to her about it but I've never been very eloquent with the spoken word. If what I had been 'hearing' was not God, then what had I been 'hearing' all that while? That rattles me and scares me. I believe God is the one who spoke to me and that my doubting was not doubting His voice, but rather a desperate sort of hope that it was not His voice because I didn't like what I was hearing. Does that make sense? Therefore, I am going ahead with it.
Matthew 12:25 - 26: 'Every kindgom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand. If Satan drives out Satan, he is divided against himself. How then can his kingdom stand?' That verse was the clincher for me.
It's funny that I should be prompted to share this. Maybe it's because of my lost journal. I feel helpless; please don't misunderstand me. I guess the thought that someone could be reading my journal right now and forming mistaken impressions of me just scares me.
But it shouldn't, should it?
I don't understand why I have to be so legalistic all the time. It's tearing me down. There has to be a better way.
jac was here with you
10/14/2003 09:00:00 pm
YLost
Dear Anyone:
I have lost my journal. It's this grey, a4-sized spiral-bound book with photos as bookmarks and a calendar (that's how i stay sane and organised). I lost it on Friday, I think, in school. If anyone has it, it would be nice if you gave it back without reading it.
Thank you.
jac was here with you
10/13/2003 07:55:00 pm
YUnder Control
Things are going all right. I just had my first two papers yesterday: Social Studies and English. They went all right; nothing to shout about. I'm just hoping for the best.
I just spent the whole day figuring out math. I think i have everything under control now. It helped that I actually sat down and filed up every single worksheet I had in my room. It's weird, but I've discovered that I can't sort out my thoughts properly unless I physically do something about it. Like list down what's bothering me in my journal, or sort out papers. It's sort of funny.
It's Chinese compo on Monday. I'm so glad i'm not a geog girl, especially not full geog (I remember last year while contemplating what subject to take I flipped two coins and got full geog half lit, but in the end i changed my mind). I think i need a lot of preparation time for Chem, which is on tuesday (i think), so i'm glad i get to go back early (10:30, i think) on monday to study.
Ah, well. Good luck everybody!
jac was here with you
10/04/2003 07:59:00 pm