YTwisting Tighter
Status: pushing all thoughts out of my mind.
It's hard to take your own advice when it's 3 days to the exams. 3 days!
One of the worst feelings to have is one of helplessness when you're being tested on a topic you studied and you can't answer anything. It really bursts your bubble. Like today during Chinese and chem. I'd memorised all my Chinese words and zhao jus, but when Yuen May tested me I couldn't remember. And chem? Mrs. Tan was giving us revision, pressure-cooker style. Whiteprecipitateblueprecipitatesoluble/insolubleblank. It just breaks you down. Like everything you'd studied for, all the time you put in, was for nothing, because you can't remember! I really hope it was just nerves.
Breaking point came during math, actually. You know what's worse than not remembering anything? It's when your class hasn't finished the syllabus, you're absolute rubbish at trigonometry because you galloped through it due to the lack of time ("we are horses, we are stallions"...inside joke), you have never been able to grasp quadratic equations (smiley face? frowny face?) and linear law is twisting your brain into a knot that is so tight you feel like crying.
I felt so alone, so so alone. God of Wonders was resounding in my head and as much as I knew my God was so much bigger than all these obstacles it just felt so overwhelming.
I miss Gilly. I haven't spoken to her since goodness-knows-when because her parents unplugged the phone and she doesn't get computer time now. And she lost her handphone.
I realised that there are very few people i actually share my thoughts with and all seem to be floating somewhere, off on a tangent while i'm just going round and round. There's always Mum; she does live in my house after all, but you know how busy the adults species seems to be. So what am i doing now? Talking to a faceless Internet.
I'll check back with you guys for an update on my mental status.
jac was here with you
9/29/2003 07:04:00 pm
YGiving Him Glory
Saturdays mean marathon study sessions right now and I'm actually pretty amazed I managed to finish studying 3 subjects before 4 pm. I'm not sure whether they all went in my head, though. Sometimes I get these pangs of insecurities, like what happens if i don't do well? I'm not very sure. But one thing that comforts me is that God's got everything under control.
I found the answer to my question, the one about studying. I can't remember when I knew, but I knew. There was one time during recess when I actually went downstairs to the canteen with my friends. It was about a week ago, I think. Anyway, I found myself ranting about the Singapore education system again, with my friends listening patiently to me, as usual. These girls get extra points for tolerance, I tell you.
Cookie was sitting with us that day, and she was listening to me and trying to tell me that was why she didn't study, because what was the point anyway? She asked me if i didn't like the system so much, why did i still conform to it?
The bell ended my tirade and we went upstairs but for some reason my actions disturbed me. Something inside me told me that I shouldn't have done that, I shouldn't have complained so loudly and extensively. So I thought about it.
And I realised that y'know, glorifying God. I usually think of working towards an end result that would glorify God but maybe that wasn't all. How about the process?
Right then, my process of studying had been studystudystudy, then once in a while launch into a very loud monologue about the education system. Was that glorifying God? No. Maybe God wanted me to accept it as something I couldn't change and just do what I had to do, without any complaints.
The 'maybe' turned into a 'definitely' as I found it the way to survive this period. The only way to get through all of this is to trust God, really. When everything seems way over your head and you honestly don't think you can do all of this on your own, you know what? You don't have to do it on your own, because God's there.
There are still times when, like i said, I feel insecure and scared that I'm not studying enough but most of the time I'm surviving on this surreal sense of security and...joy.
I didn't really realise it until today, when I went online. My friend messaged me, and as we started talking, said, "your mum told me you're a good actor." (My friend talks to my mum online. Complicated story.)
"Huh?" I went. "She's never seen me act."
"No," she replied. "Not in that way. I asked her if you were really studying or something because everyone's so zombie-like and you are like still the same old Jac."
Wow, I thought. I hadn't really realised it. I am looking forward to the exams because the faster the exams get here the faster I'm freed. I'm generally happy, despite having to study. I talk to God a lot. It helps. My faith is still as small as a mustard seed, though. No, even smaller. As small as a stomatal opening on the lower epidermis of the leaf. I'm still a long way from being with God, but it's a small step.
(Oh, by the way, I got full marks for the binomial theorem test. Wow!)
jac was here with you
9/27/2003 04:35:00 pm
YPressure! Cookers!
Exams. Stress.
Jess and Yaozhang are heading to Washington for furthur studies. Yaozhang on Tuesday, Jess on Sunday. Whoa.
i don't know if i would like to go overseas after secondary school. the only good thing would be that it's an escape from the pressure cooker system here in Singapore. and Chinese. Especially Chinese. That's a pretty big good thing.
How do you do your best, anyway? It's something i've been asking myself. Everyone tells you, "it's all right, as long as you do your best," but i realised that, well, i probably could push myself to study harder if i wanted to. of course, i would get even more stressed. i mean, Zhen gets her dad to test her on everything which makes her panic and think she doesn't know anything at all and memorise it all again, which gets her her grades (which are considerably higher than mine). But gosh, i wouldn't want to do that. But does it count as doing your best?
I am going to get Gilly to start studying. We're staying back after church next week to study. She hasn't started yet. If i have to suffer, she's going to suffer with me.
I can't wait till exams are over.
jac was here with you
9/14/2003 08:06:00 pm
YWeddings and Marriages and Baby Carriages
Michelle and Ben had their wedding ceremony yesterday. Wow. Mrs. Tan now. :) Imagine. I wonder if one day i will ever be like that.
jac was here with you
9/07/2003 01:08:00 pm