YFreaking Out
Teachers' day in two days time and i think i am going mad. all i can think about are flowers and glitter. Today i stayed up not to study binomial theorem (which i was supposed to study for the test tomorrow), but to worry about how we're going to get the flowers (we're having a flower delivery service on friday) and cutting out Teachers' day cards. man, i can't wait for this week to be over. i wish i could trust God more, because i haven't been leaving everything into His hands. i'm a total control freak.
jac was here with you
8/27/2003 11:10:00 pm
YThe Story So Far
Wow, mid-week post. This blog hasn't had a mid-week post for a while.
It's been a sleepy, sultry day so far. The weather used up all its rain yesterday and so this morning the sun was shining like it was the last day on earth. I hate sunny days, especially when there's history for last period, becuase the warmth seeps into the classroom like the sleepy monster, threatening to enchant us into dozing off (which Tasha, next to me, did).
Jac gets a sewing lesson today because she has to sew on her press-studs or risk being dubbed "unloyal to the prefectorial board". i got booked for long fingernails last friday during prefects' meeting. The irony. They weren't even that long!
Booked Gilly today. :( She's not talking to me but Gerry told me not to say sorry because it wasn't my fault. Gilly's not good at the not-talking bit, though. All right, i'm sorry you broke the rules but i'm not sorry i booked you.
Just when i'd cleared my Chinese homework i got another zhuo wen to finish up today. But Chinese was really fun today. Kim and i talked more than wrote, as usual, and the topic for today was the Singapore education system and why learning Chinese is a good enough reason to go overseas.
Ooh, i think it's going to start raining.
jac was here with you
8/26/2003 04:40:00 pm
YPlans That I Don't Understand
It's been exactly two weeks since i last posted, and a lot has happened.
I'm not dance president. I'm the secretary. I found out the Tuesday after my last post. It was a huge blow to me, and that showed me how much i wanted it. I was really upset because i felt that despite all the work i'd put in during Dance Fest, i'd gotten nothing in return. And what do secretaries do, anyway? sit there and type?
The next day, i found out i hadn't even gotten a colours. That was worse, because before the colours list had come out it was sort of like a hope, you know? Maybe i wasn't suited for the post of president, but surely no one could dispute the amount of time and effort i'd given to dance.
Nothing i'd hoped for happened and i didn't understand what was happening.
In the midst of everything, my friends and my mum supported me. That was the good thing out of all this. I drew closer to my mum. The day i found out i was secretary i told Mum everything and she comforted me. I'd been too focused on what man knew of my achievements and too focused on earthly rewards and i failed to realise--failed to be able to see--that God sees all and He was pleased when i carried out my work for Him.
It was easy knowing that in my head, but knowing my heart was another thing.
The week before had been a terrible week. Ever since that Tuesday i'd cried every day and on Thursday night i went to bed, but soon thoughts of my failure came rushing back into my mind and i started crying. i went outside to Mum, who was at the computer and she put a stop to it all.
"Jac," she said, "When are you going to stop this self-pity? Where are you going with all of this? There is no point in thinking about it and crying every day. You could do something, like ask why you didn't get in, but telling yourself, 'oh, no, i'm so sad; i'm so pitiful,' is not going to help."
Of course i protested, and tried to make her see it wasn't only self-pity, but now that i think of it, a large part of it is. (There wasn't anything wrong with crying because i was sad, but making myself sad so i could cry was another thing.) I wanted people to see how sad i was and tell me how misjudged the teacher had been and how i should have become dance president instead. As if that would make everything better. It didn't, and no one was saying anything to me, and that made it even worse.
Friday was cell, and i told Michelle about it. She told me i had to let go of it, because it wasn't doing anything good. It was easier said than done, but everytime i started thinking about how little appreciation i'd gotten after all the work i'd done i began telling myself, "Let go, Jac, let go." And gradually, i started to.
I made Alicia (the new dance prez) give me all the admin stuff our teacher had given her to do so i wouldn't feel so useless. I think she was pretty relieved because she doesn't like stuff on excel and Word. it made me feel better, besides.
Sunday Gilly and I went for the Hillsongs concert. It was really good and you know, i don't think i would mind spending eternity worshipping God. I didn't want it to end. It helped me let go and just spend time with God. Then somewhere along the line, i must have let go.
I must have let go because i can talk about this now without crying or even feeling angry. I know that God has a far better plan for me, and it will unfold in His time. I know that i shouldn't count on Man and the only being i can truly trust is God. I know i should work for Him alone, because everything i've accumlated in my lifetime on earth will pass away eventually and then what then?
That was one lesson learnt.
(Wait, there's more)
Monday after chapel Miss Bong called me out, along with five other prefects. Initially i was very apprehensive because i had a bad feeling about it. Then she told us that we had been nominated for head prefect and we had to go through an interview on Wednesday to be cleared to campaign.
I did not exactly greet this announcement with joy. In fact that first thing i did was tell God, "God, i don't understand. Why would you let me get nominated when you know i don't have any passion to serve as head prefect?"
God told me to let His plan unravel.
I didn't tell anyone; the six of us were supposed to keep it a secret, but someone told so people knew. My friends didn't, however, and i told no one. i was pretty proud of myself.
Wednesday came. the interview was terrible. The first question they asked me was, "why do you want to be head prefect?"
My first instinct was in answer, "I don't want to be head prefect." But i wasn't that stupid, so i answered all the model answers, with very little enthusiasm. My teacher told me later that they couldn't tell i wasn't enthusiastic about it, though.
Anyway, i didn't get in. I told my mum and for a little while she was disappointed. Actually, all my friends were disappointed becuase they wanted to help me campaign. And a few of them pointed out that possibility that the reason why i had become only secretary was maybe because my teacher knew i was going to be nominated for head, but i doubt that's the reason, and even if it is, it doesn't matter, because i didn't think i was the best suited for the job, anyway.
I realised something, though, about all of these 'failures' and such. i realised that maybe God puts me through them so i'll have empathy and maybe when people experience what i've been through i'll be able to better relate to them because i've been through it myself and maybe i'll be able to let God's love shine through all of this.
jac was here with you
8/24/2003 09:05:00 pm
YFaith Like A Child
Tired. So tired. I've been uncharacteristically out for the whole weekend and it's burnt me out. I wish i could have another day off like Jon does to recuperate. Going out is not my thing.
It's not that i went out; i actually spent the whole of my Saturday in church and the whole of Sunday (well, practically) at a Malay wedding and in Popular. Saturday was Bible Quiz day. We came in fourth! I wonder how we're going to split the money. I stayed in church after that (apart from going out for dinner with Deanne, Daniel, Justin, Gilly and a few others) for worship practice.
I backup sing. I should learn to play an instrument, you know. I stopped piano at grade 8 and i gave up guitar because i had no time to practice (and i sucked at it anyway; poor Si Hua trying to teach me), and i sort of gave up drums after the first try when Kim tried to teach me. Yes, the only thing i really like to do is sing.
And today i found my journal. it's a cheap $3 one, pretty enough to satisfy me and cheap enough to satisfy my mum. i don't know how i'm going to revamp it but i'll try my best.
Had cell on Friday and when prayer requests went around the table and it came to me, i said i didn't know, apart from my dad. Then gilly told everyone about the dance prez thing and they put it down but it wasn't the real concern. the real concern was what i told Joey afterwards when she waited for my parents with me in the carpark.
it's just that...i couldn't feel His love. how am i supposed to reciprocate God's love when i can't feel it? how am i supposed to obey God because i love Him when i don't feel it? Intellectually i know God loves me personally, but it just doesn't happen for me.
So Joey told me this story about how in this kindergarten, this boy was taught that "The Lord is my shepherd" and for every word he would tap one finger, starting from his pinkie. When it came to my, he would clench his index finger really tightly.
One day he got lost in a snowstorm, and rescuers found him about a day later. He was already dead, but he was holding his index finger tight.
Childlike faith in God's love and power. I felt like crying when i heard that. I went home and opened the bible and decided that at some point of time i'd not gone for cell and in cell we use this sort of devotional book, so there were a few blank pages. i filled them in.
At one point something just struck me. i don't know how it came about, but it was just three words: Jesus loves me.
Jesus loves me.
I can't explain it, but He loves us so, so much that he would do anything to be close to us. He knows everything about us; he makes such an effort to be there whenever we want to draw near to Him. He gave everything to save us.
And then i felt His love, and wanted to thank Him so much. Because we're so unworthy, so so unworthy, to be loved so deeply by this wonderful deity. Yes, i want to do anything that would please You because i love You.
Thank You.
(p.s. i know this is a bit of a mixed up entry, and i'm sorry for it. i hope you could understand, though, because my mind is frequently in knots)
jac was here with you
8/10/2003 08:07:00 pm
YAnd That's That
Elaine did the solo in the end, and she was sooo good! Oh, the new layout is done by Gilly (sort of) thank you :)
Stuff went okay. National day tomorrow.
jac was here with you
8/08/2003 02:01:00 pm
YIntruder Alert!
testing testing.. gilleee... kicks..arse..
jac was here with you
8/07/2003 08:39:00 pm
Hectic week, but you know, every monday i come back to school thinking, "oh, this week i only have one or two tests, and there's no dance at all, AGM'll be over on Tuesday, and the family fiesta thing's not that important right now--i think i'll have a nice relaxing week." and every week things just keep on popping up and before you know it, i haven't been online for a week and haven't posted either. I'm sorry.
So what popped up this week? National day, it seems. The celebration's tomorrow, and we're doing Sam's dance for it. Elaine, Sam and I had a minor panic yesterday because Mrs. Nat Lim wanted us to dance to this poem Jill was going to read out to make the poem more interesting. When she first approached me to do a solo i nearly had a heart attack. Are you kidding? I'm so bad compared to Elaine, and it'll be so embarrassing! So i suggested Elaine, but she didn't want to do it either. Sam, Elaine and I were going to do a trio, then, just that we decided not to today after school because there was simply no time, especially since everyone (except me) was rushing off to watch HomeRun. It opened today.
I feel sort of guilty because i think it would be nice to have dancers to make things more interesting and i feel bad about disappointing mrs. lim. but there's no way i can do a solo, really. i just...can't. Not in front of the whole school. Not when my technique is so bad and...I would if i were a better dancer, but i'm not.
AGM went well, anyway. We gave the sec 4s a pencil case filled with sweets and this furry hairclip. So cute! And we had enough food, to Joanna's relief. Someone even brought ice cream, which we ate with Hershey's syrup and the brownies Joanna made. I made cookies! spent the whole of monday baking them. The first batch came out burnt but i didn't want to waste them so i scraped off the burnt parts, intending to use them, but in the end i let Mum and Dad eat them.
But back to the subject. We voted for prez and blah blah blah. Usually they would just count the votes and announce on the spot but this time the short-listed potential presidents would have to go for an interview with the three teachers in charge of dance. Sam, the present dance prez, doesn't want to be president next year, unfortunately, so...it might be me.
I don't know, i just got short-listed. So...today i went for the interview. i had mixed feelings about becoming president because i would be honoured, yes, but it's scary. even though i'm great at organising stuff and working out things i, for the life of me, get quivers at the thought of standing up in front of a bunch of strangers and telling them what to do.
i'm so muddled. i would like to be president but the responsibility is great. big, i mean.
the thing is, after the interview i came out and of course i started analyzing every single thing i said and they said, and i think i might have just been struck off the list because i told them exactly what i just told you: that i wasn't confident in my ability but if they thought i could be president i would accept.
Argh, i don't know what to think. i guess they'll tell us tomorrow.
I've been searching for God, wanting to hear His voice. It's not easy, and i haven't gotten there. The problem is that there's no guaranteed 12-step programme to knowing God. It's not something you can physically do. it's something you have to commit to, a relationship, and...relationships are tricky.
Zhen...I'm sorry. What else can i say? i don't know how i can make you feel better, honestly. i read your email and i get your point of view now and all i can tell you is that i know how you feel. i know how it is when you put in everything you have to something and not achieve the end result desired...i'm sorry.
jac was here with you
8/07/2003 06:49:00 pm